What Do You Think?: Body Piercings

Scenario: 

Angelina just entered 8th grade and has fallen head over heels in love with a 9th grade boy at the near by high school.  He is so edgy and different that she worries she is too simple for him and he will never feel the same way about her that she does about him.  Angelina knows that he likes girls that are counterculture and dye their hair or have piercings so she starts thinking about what she can do to be more like that. 

Her 22 year old cousin just got her dimples pierced and she always gets so much attention from boys that Angelina decides she wants to do that too. However, she is too young to get a piercing without parent permission so she chooses a sketchy shop where they won’t ask too many questions and begs her cousin to go with her and pretend to be her guardian.  She knows that her parents would never allow her to do it but if she already has it done what can they do about it then?  Angelina tells her cousin that she will say that she got it done by herself so that no one will get blamed, and her cousin agrees to help her out.  They make a plan to go to the piercing studio the next day and Angelina is so excited to get her new sparkly dimples so she can show her crush.

Questions For Discussion:

1. Do you think Angelina is making a good decision?  What is she motivated by?  Why do you think most teenagers get piercings?
2. What are the potential positive and negative outcomes of getting her cheeks pierced? (Physical, social, financial, emotional etc) How could such visible piercings make her life more difficult now and later on in life?
3. How will Angelica feel if her crush still doesn’t want to be with her even after she gets pierced?  Have you ever changed yourself (appearance, actions) just to get a person’s attention?  How did that work out?
4. What do you think about her cousin’s part in this, is she doing the right thing by helping Angelina?  What would you do if you were her?
5. How will Angelina’s parents feel when she comes home with piercings?  What do you think they will do?  

Factoids:

**Piercings have been around for centuries, and can have a variety of personal and cultural significance for a person.  However, because teenagers are experimenting with their identities they may be drawn to piercings or tattoos as a form of expression, rebellion, or attention seeking. This may be especially true when a teen's friends have piercings or when role models they admire do.

**Teenagers need to feel a part of their social network while also asserting their uniqueness and independence, and piercings are an increasingly common way to accomplish this. One or two piercings is considered normal and healthy while more than that could signify emotional or psychological problems, and might even be considered self-harm.

**If you are under 18 you must have parent consent to get a piercing, otherwise the person who pierces you can be arrested on misdemeanor charges.  Having someone impersonate a parent or guardian in order to give false consent is fraud and can be a felony offense.

** Twenty-three percent of teens are pierced and a twenty percent are thinking about it.  Piercings are more popular among females than males. They are also more common with teens who:

• Have less self control
• Have low self-esteem
• Are more likely to engage in dangerous thrill-seeking behavior
• Act impulsively
• Have more negative emotions
• Tend to lash out verbally when angry 

**Body piercing may be associated with risky behaviors, and common stereotypes often imply that people with piercings might:

• Abuse alcohol, tobacco, or drugs
• Engage in sexual activity, especially risky sexual activity
• Gamble
• Display antisocial behavior
• Have suicidal thoughts
• Have mental problems

**Piercings can be very dangerous if not done correctly, and can have long term consequences which are often not considered at the time (especially true with teenagers).  Potential hazards include, but are not limited to:

• Contracting a disease such as HIV, Hepatitis C and D, or tetanus. 
• Getting an infection at the piercing site which is not only painful and expensive to treat, but can cause scarring or permanent damage.
• Allergic reaction to the jewelry
• Nerve damage
• Heavy bleeding
• Keloid scarring (thick scarring at piercing site)
• Dental damage (tooth/gum) from lip, tongue, and cheek piercings

**About half of piercings result in visits to the doctor’s office, and just seeing the doctor is not cheap.

What Mentors Can Do To Help With This:

**First of all, keep in mind that a teenager desiring a piercing is very normal so when discussing it with your mentee by open and understanding.

**Talk to your mentee about piercings, especially if they have expressed an interest in getting one.  Be accepting of their thoughts on it because trying to shut them down will just make it more attractive.  Share how you feel about it, including any personal experiences you have, but let them know you appreciate that ultimately its their body and their decision (with a parent of course).

**Ask them what piercings they would want and why, and then discuss the pros and cons with them.  Spend time talking about what is motivating their interest, because they might not even be clear on it yet.  If you think it’s a bad reason tell them so, and explain why so they know you only have their safety and happiness in mind.  The more seriously and calmly you take this discussion the more your mentee will listen, and because this could be a potentially life threatening decision they will need your advice.

**Make sure they are aware of the health risks and the importance of proper safety and finding a licensed professional.  Teenagers often feel invulnerable so this might be a good time to look at some picture online of piercing consequences (scarring, infection, skin problems etc).  Going online will also give them a chance to show you pictures of how they hope it will turn out, and this might give you insight into why they want it.  Emphasize how much aftercare and continual upkeep there will be for the piercing they have in mind.  These are the things that teenagers don’t consider when getting their trendy belly button piercings etc.

**Also talk to them about the financial implications of getting pierced, from the initial operation, to jewelry, to potential medical costs and insurance. 

**Help them consider the negative stereotypes associated with piercings that they might encounter, because while their friends might think its cool and cute, their boss might not.

**If you really want to dissuade them from getting a piercing, try and find someone who had a bad experience that can talk to them about it, so that at least they will take the consequences more seriously.

**If you are concerned that your mentee is motivated by more serious emotional or psychological problems caused by past abuse, depression, extremely low self-esteem etc encourage your mentee to continue thinking about it before doing anything rash and then contact your case manager for more specific advice and services.

To learn more about teenagers and body piercings see these websites: 

Teen Help.com

Center For Young Women's Health

What Do You Think?: Dealing with Divorce

Scenario

Bobby is eleven years old and is in 6th grade. His parents have been together for over 13 years, but have always had a very hard relationship. They managed to stay together for Bobby and his sister, thinking it would benefit them. However, they have trouble being around each other and fight constantly. When they start fighting, Bobby and his sister run to their room and he tries to occupy his sister to distract her. Bobby has recently noticed more and more yelling between his mom and dad and he doesn’t know what is happening between them.
Just last week, Bobby's parents told his sister and him they are getting a divorce. Bobby is scared and sad because he is used to having both parents at home. He is trying to figure out what to do, and how can he deal with such a new reality.

Questions for Discussion

1. Can Bobby understand the reasoning behind his parents separation? Do you think he blames himself? How would you feel?
2. Do you think Bobby can try to convince his parents to stay together? Should he try?
3. What are the pros and cons of his parents getting divorced? What could be positive about it?
4. How might the divorce change Bobby's relationship with his parents?
5. What could his parents do to make this easier for Bobby?
6. What other emotions do you think Bobby is feeling? Should he talk to someone about them? Who?

Factoids

** Studies reveal that children who are raised in a two person, loving, and stable environment show less signs of depression, anxiety, and defiant behavior and these children also have better academics and develop the capacity for truly intimate relationships. Children raised in a stressful and conflicted marriage are more stressed, have more defiant behavior, and have more disciplinary problems than children raised in a stable divorced or stable single parent home.

** Studies also have shown that children can do better when their parents get divorced. Sometimes they live a healthier life than when their parents lived together in a continuous state of conflict, instability, argumentation, hatred, and uncertainty.

** Many people marry out of love and divorce out of anger. Unfortunately, children become the victims of marital war. Regardless of the decision, it is important to remember that when children are involved – both parents will be involved in some capacity for all of the activities, decisions, and emotional consequences that affect the entire family moving forward.

** The goal of any decision is to develop a cordial and harmonious relationship with a partner. And that is always in the children's best interest.

** Divorce can be an emotionally exhausting experience. It is important to take into account how the stress and heightened emotions can affect everyone in the family, especially the children.

What Mentors Can Do to Help With This?

** Talk to your mentee and help him/her understand the pros and cons of a divorce. Try to see the divorce from the perspective of everyone involved so your mentee can have a better understanding of why this is happening and that it is not because of them.

** Make sure that the mentee understands that this decision to divorce is not something that is under his/her control, but that he/she should talk to his parents about how it is making him/her feel as a part of the family.

** Explain to the mentee that parents staying married only because of kids can result in an overall bad experience.

** Try to be a source of stability during a potentially stressful, sad, and confusing phase in your mentee’s life.

** Allow your mentee to talk to you about the situation and try to just listen and comfort rather than fix. Remind them that you are a safe person to talk to and acknowledge how hard this must be for them.

** If you have personal experience with divorce share it with them so they know they are not alone, but be appreciative of how their experience is different and highly personal.

** Check out this website for a good source of information on how parents can make divorce an easier experience for their children.

What Do You Think?: Sneaking Out

Scenario

Megan is so excited to go to the big football game this Friday. It is the championship game against the rival high school. She and her best friends have decided to wear the school colors and even paint their faces! That is all everyone is talking about. But when she gets home Friday after school she is confronted by her parents in the kitchen. They have her progress report and see that she is not doing well in school. Megan’s parents tell her she is grounded and can not go to the football game tonight. Megan runs to her room and starts crying. She calls her best friends and tells them she won’t be able to go to the game. They are all bummed out.

The game has started and she is home just staring at the wall. Megan’s friends text her that the boy she likes is asking about her, wondering where she is. They tell her to sneak out because her parents won’t notice. Megan gets ready, and climbs out through her window.

Questions for Discussion

1. What would you do? Sneak out or stay in your room? Why?
2. Do you think if Megan talked to her parents about how important the game is to her they would understand and maybe come to an agreement? Or is sneaking out the only option?
3. Imagine Megan’s parents finding out that she is gone, how do you think they are going to react?
4. Will they be able trust her again after she sneaks out?
5. What are some consequences that can arise from sneaking out? Could Meagan’s life be in danger?

Factoids

** The curfew for minors (under 18 years old) is 10:00 pm.

** If a minor breaks curfew, he or she can be temporarily detained by police and returned home. You can also be fined $80.00 and/or receive eight hours of community service.

** Some common reasons why kids sneak out:
~ To hang out with friends.
~ To see their boyfriend or girlfriend
~ To go on a date
~ To go to a party or event.
~ For the thrill of it. To defy their parents; which might seem cool.
~ Parents are too strict and teens feel like they need space and/or independence

What Can Mentors Do To Help Prevent This?

** Talk to your mentee about sneaking out at night, even if you don’t think he/she would do it. Make sure they are aware of the curfew laws and what would happen if they got caught. To view the local curfew laws & consquences, click here, and scroll to pages 3 and 4.

** If they are sneaking out ask them why they do it and see if there is a better way for them to achieve their goal without breaking their parent’s trust and the law. Share your own experiences, if applicable, and what you learned from them.

** Consider with your mentee the consequences of sneaking out (i.e. grounded, phone taken away) and how the parents will react. Even share how you would feel if they snuck out.

** Explain the dangers of sneaking out (getting arrested, kidnapped, hurt while their parents don’t know where they are etc) and that you want to make sure they are safe.

** Tell them they should try to talk to their parents and come to a compromise. Role play how that conversation might go so they feel comfortable having that talk with their parents.