Mentor of the Year: Lisa Gosdschan

The Fighting Back Mentor Program Coordinator, Ann Cowell, told me while choosing the Mentor of the Year that she is looking for someone who not only demonstrates the time commitment to their mentee, but a commitment to the community as a whole.  She looks for a mentor who supports and cares for their mentee in every way that they can: in school, in their personal lives, and by encouraging them to always learn and experience new things.

This year we are so proud to announce and celebrate Lisa Gosdschan as our 2012 Mentor of the Year, because she embodies all of those qualities! Throughout her long, and sometimes rocky, relationship with her mentee she never gave up, never stopped caring, and is a perfect example of what a mentor can be given enough time, heart, and devotion. Her work with her mentee, who is now an 8th grader, is beyond the expectations of a mentor, and therefore comes directly from her own intrinsic motivation and spirit. Her story is important to share because it shows how, when given the opportunity, people are capable of immeasurable generosity and compassion.

When I sat down for an interview with Lisa, she told me of all the ways she supports her mentee with her physical, emotional, psychological, and even spiritual health. Lisa is extremely hands on, very involved, and an incredible model of humanitarian work. She is a valuable member of numerous volunteer groups: Mentor Task Force, Kiwanis Club, Catholic Charities (Food Pantry, Special Olympics) and on the board of Alpha Resource Center. Her volunteer work with Ed Cue at Kiwanis, exposed her to the need of mentoring, and inspired her to get involved with more programs within the Santa Barbara community.

           

            Nearly three years ago, Lisa and her mentee met for the first time at their match meeting at her elementary school. It was clear from day one that they were a good match. When I read over her mentee’s pre-match interview, I found that when she was asked 'What type of person would you like to be matched with?' she responded, "Someone who is nice, who cares about me, and knows other languages." It turns out that Lisa speaks French, German, and English. But this is only one small connection among many, such as their shared love of cats, and going to Yogurtland, that make them great. Lisa brought Jolly Ranchers to the match meeting for her mentee and it turned out that that was her favorite candy! The candy was a great conversation starter and it allowed for her normally shy mentee to open up. They were both very enthusiastic about the relationship and her mentee fed off of Lisa’s energy. Lisa identified with her because as a young girl she remembers being shy and reserved also. And then as she grew older Lisa overcame her shyness, became a cheerleader, and got more involved in school and the community. Lisa was immediately excited to share this experience and knowledge with her mentee, to help her blossom, just as Lisa had.

                        For Lisa, sharing her childhood and family experiences with her mentee has been a wonderful and important part of their relationship, but dealing with the differences in their backgrounds and perspectives, and relating to her mentee with understanding and without judgment, has been one of her greatest struggles. Not having any children to base a mentoring relationship on, Lisa put forth what she knew about support and encouragement from growing up in a disciplined and structured military household. Sometimes it was hard for Lisa to understand her mentee’s actions, because she describes that from her own experience growing up "I just never [broke the rules], I just never did anything. I knew there would be consequences and I didn’t want to find out what they were. I never got in trouble, never got suspended, never got anything, and when I met my mentee, her family was totally different. You know, with her father incarcerated, uncle incarcerated, broken family with her mother busy all the time, she didn’t have any consequences. But she was a child, so I figured, you know, it doesn't really matter, this dynamic, obviously she needs someone, and I think it was just a really, really good match for us."

           

            Lisa’s mentee is raised by a single working mother with two other children, one of whom suffers from a difficult mental disability, and therefore her mentee often finds herself without attention or help from her overwhelmed mother. Lisa is more than willing to step into this gap to help her mentee and her mother, and make sure her mentee has regular visits to the doctor and dentist, that she is signed up for important school programs such as the meal plans and correct classes, and takes time to have fun with her mentee and go shopping or walking down State St. Lisa also focuses on encouraging her mentee to increase her involvement in her schoolwork, and after her mentee expressed interest in criminal investigation as a potential career Lisa helped her explore this interest even more and turn it into a motivating goal. Throughout their relationship Lisa has helped her mentee embrace the idea of attaining good grades, going to college, and finding a career path that uses her strengths and sparks her interests. It truly is a great relationship when a mentor can help a mentee see their potential and take steps to reach it.

            I asked Lisa why she gives so much of her time and energy to her mentee she explained that it is a wonderful opportunity to be an positive influence on a young person at a time when they need it most, and talked about how mentoring enriches her life as much as her mentees: "[A mentor] can make someone feel important and show them how they can make others feel important; when you give, you get a lot back.” And after two years of numerous challenges and growth in the relationship, Lisa told me about a time when she 'got a lot back' and truly saw that she was making an impact. Lisa took her mentee on a trip to visit with Lisa's family while they did spring cleaning: "[My mentee] saw everybody do everything together. Everybody would work together, eat together, and we'd be laughing around the table, I don't think that [her mentee’s family] have a dinner table to tell you the truth. Even though cleaning a house isn’t our regular circumstances she just saw a family that was really working hard together, and she had a great time working along side us. I think that was a changing experience for her and she was happy to give back to me and my family." For Lisa this was such a rewarding time with her mentee, and she cherishes the ability to show her different perspectives and the different ways that people, and families, live. This changed her mentee’s worldview, and Lisa said that after this trip there was a positive shift in her demeanor overall, and her attitude towards school. This story, among many, best illustrates Lisa's inclusive approach and dedication, but it also illustrates the possibilities in mentoring, and how something that may seem random can make the greatest impact.

When we asked Lisa's mentee if she could describe her mentor in one word, she chose the word "generous." Not only does this describe Lisa perfectly, but it also describes the soul of a Mentor, someone who is willing to give of themselves to help another. There are Mentors that give an incredible amount of their time, spirit, and support, and some who can only give that one hour a week, but they all make a difference. And then there are Mentors like Lisa, who demonstrates outstanding generosity, support, graciousness, resilience, passion, and compassion that goes above and beyond anything we ask or expect of mentors within the program.

Congratulations, Lisa, for being our 2012 Mentor

of the Year! You truly deserve it!

~Kiana G. Alzate, Creative Media Intern with the Fighting Back Mentor

Program

What do you think?: Consistency and Communication

Scenario- Silvia has been struggling with junior high since she entered 7th grade last year. She needs a little extra help organizing all of the homework from all of her different classes. Not only does she feel busy at school, but her family isn't doing very well, and her parents have been stressed out with work, and concerned about paying the bills on time. Silvia feels overwhelmed and gets distracted during classes worrying about her family. Then she gets upset that she cannot focus in class, or on her homework. It feels like an unbreakable cycle and she doesn't know what to do.

Normally she talks to her Mentor, who she has been seeing since last year, but unfortunately they haven't been meeting as much this school year. They don't have a consistent meeting day during the week, and most of the time they try to schedule a meeting it doesn't work out, either because Silvia is helping out at home or her Mentor is booked, and they don't meet at all. Silvia is starting to feel that her Mentor is too busy to meet with her, or maybe just doesn’t want to be her mentor anymore. Silvia doesn't want to bother her Mentor too much, so she stops calling and texting because she is worried it might stress her Mentor out, and she is a little upset at how her mentor hasn’t been communicating with her. When her Mentor calls now, Silvia avoids the phone calls and tries to focus on helping her family.

Questions for Discussion-

1. What do you think about this situation? Why are they having so much trouble with communication and consistent meetings?
2. What do you do when you get stressed out about something in your life? Is it hard to open up to someone about it, especially if they are busy with their own drama? Does it help to talk to someone?
3. What do you think will happen if Silvia focuses on her family and drops out of school? Will that really help her family? What could she do instead?
4. Do you think that Silvia's Mentor really stopping caring about her? What could the Mentor do to rebuild Silvia’s trust?
5. What do you think is the best solution for Silvia and her Mentor? How can they both improve their communication and get back on track? 

How Mentors Can Help-

          **When it comes to building a relationship and trust, with your mentee or anyone, the most important aspects are consistency and communication. It is the mentor’s responsibility to move the relationship forward and do the majority of the communication and reaching out to set up meetings, at least at first until a rhythm is established.

**It is important for Mentors to establish consistency with their Mentees early on in the relationship, and especially during the beginning of the school year. A consistent start is a good start, and usually leads to development of good routines and habits. In the beginning of the school year try to set up a consistent day and time for your weekly meeting, and then add on extra time to hang out outside of school if you want, while keeping that same weekly meeting. You can change or experiment with your meeting place(s) depending on what activity/assignment you're doing that day.

**The hardest part of setting up these meetings is communication with your mentee, so if you run into trouble contact your case manager for information on the teacher or school counselor as they are excellent assets to help with this process.

**However, we know that you have your own lives and responsibilities that can throw your routine off track sometimes. When this happens its important to communicate with your mentee not only that you need to reschedule the meeting, but why, and reinforce that you look forward to meeting them on the rescheduled date. This is so that they don’t feel you are just ditching them or that you no longer want to mentor them. Many of the kids we work with are sensitive to rejection so it’s important to be aware of this. If you cannot meet with them try to stay in touch with a text message or phone call so they know you are still there for them.

          **Show your emotional support by asking about them and their about their family. Share what’s going on in your own life so they feel more comfortable opening up and sharing in return. Talk to them about school and how that is going for them. Maybe it is best to separate school and family time; suggest that they do their assignments with you, after school in the library, or during their supervision period so they can focus on fun and family when they are home. When your Mentee knows you understand both their school life and their home life, then they are more likely to reach out when they need help or need advice about something.

On paper, mentoring can seem a bit overwhelming, maybe even daunting, for someone who doesn't have children, or doesn't trust themselves to give the right type of influence to a malleable mind. With our busy schedules we doubt our ability to give an hour a week to someone who may need a bit more attention and advice, let alone a child who may truly need a strong mentor.  These fears are understandable, but I hope that as we celebrate all of the amazing work that Edgar Diaz has done we can also use his words and experience to better understand the true nature of mentoring and why we should move past our hesitation and reach out to change the life of a child.

Edgar joined the Mentor Program as a Mentor Advocate at the very end of 2010, and within one month was matched up with his first mentee, MP, a 6th grader with a difficult family situation and problems managing his anger.  Edgar quickly made a connection with MP by helping him open up about his feelings while playing basketball or just walking around campus during lunch, encouraging him to try new things, and even helping him get into an excellent private school by personally speaking to the dean in his favor. As their relationship progressed Edgar realized that he was truly helping to change MP’s life. 

This experience was so rewarding and meaningful for Edgar that just over 4 months after being matched with MP he took on his second mentee, CL. A rambunctious 3rd grader who struggled to follow the rules, often fought with his classmates, and also lived in a tumultuous household. Over many months Edgar helped CL understand and respond more appropriately to his emotions through role playing and problem solving, taught him to write his thoughts down in a journal and “draw his emotions” so he didn’t bottle them up, and gave him a friend to talk to about his struggles at home.  They grew so close that one day CL told Edgar he looked up to him like a father, and Edgar was so proud to have made such an impact on a child in so great a need. Edgar continues to be in touch with MP and CL and looks forward to continuing their relationships for many years to come.

Taking on two mentees within a six month period seems a bit ambitious to me at first, and I wondered how Edgar became so enthusiastic about mentoring. What experience had he had prior to becoming a mentor that drove him to give back and volunteer so much of his time. I asked Edgar what motivated him to become a Mentor and he first spoke about his Aunt: 

“My aunt was the first to go to college. She attended UC Riverside. When I was in fourth grade I spent my spring break with her and she took me to her classes and around campus. We had so much fun and I remember being amazed at how awesome college was! Because of that experience I was determined to go to college. She sparked something in me. To her it probably wasn’t such a big deal but to me it meant so much. I spent most of my junior high and high school years wanting to go to UCR and I eventually decided on UCSB. As I grew older I didn’t need her as much, but she was always there for me when I needed her to review some homework assignments or if I had questions about college. I want to give someone that spark and support that I once received from her.”

Edgar’s was extremely motivated by this family experience, but as he continued to speak he made it clear that its not just family that influences a child, but also the outside environment.

“Also, what inspired me was that I have seen a difference in the lives of people who have someone to care about them and those who don’t. I came from a high school where maybe about 60% of the incoming freshmen actually make it to graduation. My older brother was almost one of them. His teachers weren't pushing him to do better which is why he barely graduated. Of course at one point everyone should become responsible for their own education, but it always helps when someone is encouraging you.”

There are two main places that affect the development of a child, the home and family, and the school community of teachers, peers, and other types of mentors. Talking to Edgar showed that the community outside of the home, especially the school, have just as great an impact on a child’s potential and outlook on life than their home environment, for better or worse. Edgar knows from his time as a mentor, and from being an Advocate for over a year, that just having someone who cares about you and encourages you can make all the difference.  I was curious about how this change comes about, so I put together a questionnaire for Edgar to showcase his perspective on the influence, challenges, positives, negatives, and overall rewards that come from participating as a Mentor in the Fighting Back Mentor Program.

Q: What was your favorite part of working as a Mentor Advocate? And what will you miss most about working with the program?

E: I think my favorite part was matching up a new mentor and mentee. I loved calling the child into the office and tell him/her that I found a mentor for them. Their excited smiles were so cute and it made me feel so good to know I was helping to change their life. Then doing the match meeting and seeing how the mentor and mentee click is always amazing. I became pretty good at finding the right mentee-mentor match, and took a lot of pride in this ability. Then after they are matched up I loved hearing how their relationship was going and how the kids were improving. I also liked hearing how the mentor were enjoying the experience, especially because it was often a surprise to them to realize how much they were growing and how much fun they were having.

Q: What do you think has been the most challenging part of maintaining a mentor/mentee relationship? How did you deal with/overcome it?

E: The changes, as I mentioned before are fun and exciting, however there are changes that can make the relationship challenging and difficult. This goes for both the mentor and the mentee. The mentor might have a family or have a busy job schedule, which can make it more difficult to meet. And as the mentees get older they often get more involved in sports or organizations at school, get caught up in socializing, and start dating.

These transitions, especially from elementary school to middle school can be challenging and different for everyone, but it is always important to remember to welcome the changes with open arms. Both mentor and mentee need to communicate and be honest about what is going on. The mentor will probably have to be more upfront in the beginning because the mentee might feel embarrassed to talk about their feelings. Communication is key with any relationship, especially with kids who aren’t always the best at it. All these kids are smart and they pick up on everything, including how we talk and interact with them. There are many ways of communicating and staying in touch, even if you're not meeting with each other as consistently as you’d like.

Q: Off the top of your head, describe the first moment that you realized that you had made an impact in your mentee’s life? -> How did this make you feel?

E: For MP, the first time I realized I made a difference was when I took him to California Pizza Kitchen for our one-year celebration. All I did was sit there and listen to him. He just kept talking and talking. I knew this was a shift in our relationship because he was shy when I first met him; very polite, respectful, and quiet with a lot going on under the surface. A year later he is sitting there telling me everything about school and how happy he is that he isn’t getting in serious trouble. He was so happy at his new school, with his new friends, and he told me “thank you” for helping to get him in. I was so grateful and happy that he was doing better and staying out of trouble, and it felt great that he identified me as the reason that he was in such a good place.

For CL I think it was when he started the fourth grade. We made short term goals for him to stay out of trouble. First we started with a goal of three days. Honestly it took him a while but eventually he accomplished his goal of three days, then we began to extend the number of days. The lunch lady at his school would always give me updates about how he was doing, and one day at the end of January, she told me that he had not been in trouble for an entire month! I was so happy with this news, I told CL how proud of him I was, and encouraged him to stay out of trouble. After this event, he went on to stay out of trouble for three straight months! Even if he had another moment, he learned to trust me and opened up to let me know if he got in trouble. More importantly this also opened up a place for us to talk about his family and helped us grow closer in our mentor/mentee relationship.

Q: Describe the first moment that you realized your mentee had made an impact/affected your life? -> How did this make you feel?

E: Well, I have a little brother who is 9 years old now, and I missed him because we don’t live nearby. Meeting and maintaining relationships with both of my mentees was a great way of filling that void, because if I can’t be there with my brother at least I can spend time with kids around the same age and energy level, and do my best to guide them. The opportunity to hang out with someone younger, like a younger sibling, also allows me to do all the fun activities people usually stop doing as adults. It is a way to step out of my adult stresses and simply have fun with two great kids, while also knowing I’m helping to enrich their lives.

Q: What do you think has been the most influential and positive part of maintaining a mentor/mentee relationship?

E: I think that the most influential and positive part of maintaining a mentor/mentee relationship is that the mentee has someone who cares about them no matter how old they get or what they are going through. I always tell my mentees that no matter where I go or where they go or whatever happens that I will always be there for them. Any kid simply wants someone who’s going to be there and support them, and someone who will simply show up. It is also very rewarding to maintain a mentoring relationship over time because you can see how you both change and learn from every new experience that comes into each other’s lives. The privilege of not just watching, but positively influencing the course of a child’s life and seeing them grow over time is an amazing satisfaction for me.

            Edgar shows us that becoming a mentor and has its ups and downs, challenges and rewards, growth and regression, exactly like any relationship you maintain over time. It is a choice to participate, encourage and support another individual in whatever it is that they do. Edgar took an opportunity to provide an hour or more a week of his attention to someone who was at risk, who may or may not have been getting it from their family, or teachers at school. What impresses me about Edgar is his patience, not only in hindsight or retrospect, but currently, even as he moves on to a new home, new job, and maybe more education, he looks at his mentoring relationships as current and ongoing. He still makes the time to meet with his mentees and stays in touch over the phone when he cannot visit.  Edgar’s experiences illustrate how truly rewarding, challenging, eye opening, and life changing being a mentor is. His words show what many of us already know first hand, that being a mentor doesn’t just affect the mentee; it also deeply resonates within the mentor and can be a wonderfully life changing and fulfilling experience. As Forest Witcraft famously wrote:

“One Hundred Years from now it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much money was in my bank account, nor what my clothes looked like. But the world may be a better place because I was important in the life of a child.”

In Edgar’s case he has made the world a better place through the lives of countless youth in Santa Barbara by his incredible volunteerism and work as a Mentor Advocate.  Because of his commitment to his two mentees, and the community as a whole, we are proud to celebrate Edgar Diaz as our Mentor of the Summer!! Congratulations Edgar, you deserve it!

What Do You Think?: Body Piercings

Scenario: 

Angelina just entered 8th grade and has fallen head over heels in love with a 9th grade boy at the near by high school.  He is so edgy and different that she worries she is too simple for him and he will never feel the same way about her that she does about him.  Angelina knows that he likes girls that are counterculture and dye their hair or have piercings so she starts thinking about what she can do to be more like that. 

Her 22 year old cousin just got her dimples pierced and she always gets so much attention from boys that Angelina decides she wants to do that too. However, she is too young to get a piercing without parent permission so she chooses a sketchy shop where they won’t ask too many questions and begs her cousin to go with her and pretend to be her guardian.  She knows that her parents would never allow her to do it but if she already has it done what can they do about it then?  Angelina tells her cousin that she will say that she got it done by herself so that no one will get blamed, and her cousin agrees to help her out.  They make a plan to go to the piercing studio the next day and Angelina is so excited to get her new sparkly dimples so she can show her crush.

Questions For Discussion:

1. Do you think Angelina is making a good decision?  What is she motivated by?  Why do you think most teenagers get piercings?
2. What are the potential positive and negative outcomes of getting her cheeks pierced? (Physical, social, financial, emotional etc) How could such visible piercings make her life more difficult now and later on in life?
3. How will Angelica feel if her crush still doesn’t want to be with her even after she gets pierced?  Have you ever changed yourself (appearance, actions) just to get a person’s attention?  How did that work out?
4. What do you think about her cousin’s part in this, is she doing the right thing by helping Angelina?  What would you do if you were her?
5. How will Angelina’s parents feel when she comes home with piercings?  What do you think they will do?  

Factoids:

**Piercings have been around for centuries, and can have a variety of personal and cultural significance for a person.  However, because teenagers are experimenting with their identities they may be drawn to piercings or tattoos as a form of expression, rebellion, or attention seeking. This may be especially true when a teen's friends have piercings or when role models they admire do.

**Teenagers need to feel a part of their social network while also asserting their uniqueness and independence, and piercings are an increasingly common way to accomplish this. One or two piercings is considered normal and healthy while more than that could signify emotional or psychological problems, and might even be considered self-harm.

**If you are under 18 you must have parent consent to get a piercing, otherwise the person who pierces you can be arrested on misdemeanor charges.  Having someone impersonate a parent or guardian in order to give false consent is fraud and can be a felony offense.

** Twenty-three percent of teens are pierced and a twenty percent are thinking about it.  Piercings are more popular among females than males. They are also more common with teens who:

• Have less self control
• Have low self-esteem
• Are more likely to engage in dangerous thrill-seeking behavior
• Act impulsively
• Have more negative emotions
• Tend to lash out verbally when angry 

**Body piercing may be associated with risky behaviors, and common stereotypes often imply that people with piercings might:

• Abuse alcohol, tobacco, or drugs
• Engage in sexual activity, especially risky sexual activity
• Gamble
• Display antisocial behavior
• Have suicidal thoughts
• Have mental problems

**Piercings can be very dangerous if not done correctly, and can have long term consequences which are often not considered at the time (especially true with teenagers).  Potential hazards include, but are not limited to:

• Contracting a disease such as HIV, Hepatitis C and D, or tetanus. 
• Getting an infection at the piercing site which is not only painful and expensive to treat, but can cause scarring or permanent damage.
• Allergic reaction to the jewelry
• Nerve damage
• Heavy bleeding
• Keloid scarring (thick scarring at piercing site)
• Dental damage (tooth/gum) from lip, tongue, and cheek piercings

**About half of piercings result in visits to the doctor’s office, and just seeing the doctor is not cheap.

What Mentors Can Do To Help With This:

**First of all, keep in mind that a teenager desiring a piercing is very normal so when discussing it with your mentee by open and understanding.

**Talk to your mentee about piercings, especially if they have expressed an interest in getting one.  Be accepting of their thoughts on it because trying to shut them down will just make it more attractive.  Share how you feel about it, including any personal experiences you have, but let them know you appreciate that ultimately its their body and their decision (with a parent of course).

**Ask them what piercings they would want and why, and then discuss the pros and cons with them.  Spend time talking about what is motivating their interest, because they might not even be clear on it yet.  If you think it’s a bad reason tell them so, and explain why so they know you only have their safety and happiness in mind.  The more seriously and calmly you take this discussion the more your mentee will listen, and because this could be a potentially life threatening decision they will need your advice.

**Make sure they are aware of the health risks and the importance of proper safety and finding a licensed professional.  Teenagers often feel invulnerable so this might be a good time to look at some picture online of piercing consequences (scarring, infection, skin problems etc).  Going online will also give them a chance to show you pictures of how they hope it will turn out, and this might give you insight into why they want it.  Emphasize how much aftercare and continual upkeep there will be for the piercing they have in mind.  These are the things that teenagers don’t consider when getting their trendy belly button piercings etc.

**Also talk to them about the financial implications of getting pierced, from the initial operation, to jewelry, to potential medical costs and insurance. 

**Help them consider the negative stereotypes associated with piercings that they might encounter, because while their friends might think its cool and cute, their boss might not.

**If you really want to dissuade them from getting a piercing, try and find someone who had a bad experience that can talk to them about it, so that at least they will take the consequences more seriously.

**If you are concerned that your mentee is motivated by more serious emotional or psychological problems caused by past abuse, depression, extremely low self-esteem etc encourage your mentee to continue thinking about it before doing anything rash and then contact your case manager for more specific advice and services.

To learn more about teenagers and body piercings see these websites: 

Teen Help.com

Center For Young Women's Health