What do you think? Divorce and Family Issues
Scenario- Dean is
right in the middle of high school in his sophomore year. His parents always
used to argue, but he thought that was normal for every family. Then during the
summer, his dad started not coming home until really late at night, or on the
weekends. This summer, he overheard his parents talking about divorce, and this
year of high school just hasn't felt right. Dean doesn't know who to talk to,
his older brother is working all the time up north, his younger sister is too
young, and he is worried he will upset her more. She cried one night their
parents were fighting, and now Dean feels like he has to protect her. Many of
his friends at school don't have a dad around, and have always considered him
lucky, so Dean is embarrassed to complain or whine about his family drama. He
has decided to simply keep quiet about the divorce and just try and keep his
sister happy. Unfortunately his mom has been so busy trying to keep everything
at home organized that she sometimes forgets to buy enough food and keep the
house clean. It has been a struggle for Dean to be a parent to his sister and
take care of his schoolwork, her schoolwork, and the house. Dean feels like he
is spinning out of control, forgetting homework assignments and often missing
class, and so emotional he just doesn’t know how to handle all the changes. He
just wants to make things work at home, and be the man of the house since his
dad is not around as much. He is unsure of talking to anyone about it, but doesn’t
know if he can keep it together on his own.
Questions for Discussion-
1.)
What do you think about Dean's
decision to focus on his family and take on adult responsibilities without
talking to anyone? What would you do in his situation?
2.)
How do you think Dean feels about the
divorce of his parents? Would talking to someone about this situation help him?
If so, how?
3.)
Do you think Dean should ask for extra
help in school or work something out with his teachers considering his
difficult situation? Do you think that his teachers will understand and give
him some leniency?
4.)
Have you ever opened up to a teacher,
or adult, at school about personal problems that affect your work? What happened,
and did it help you?
5.)
Have you, a family member, or close
friend been through divorce/family problems? How has that affected you?
Factoids-
**Divorce can be
a serious trauma for children of all ages and has many serious potential consequences.
Children whose parents have divorced are more
likely to be the victims of abuse. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and
emotional problems, are more frequently involved in drug abuse, and have higher
rates of suicide.
**Children
of divorced parents also tend to perform more poorly in reading, spelling, and
math, are more likely to repeat a grade, and to have higher drop-out rates and
lower rates of college graduation.
**Children expect
and deserve to grow up in a safe and consistent world. Their parents' role is
to nurture and protect them, and help them understand the world and their place
in it. The dissolution of the family is the single greatest threat to a child's
emotional – and often financial or physical– wellbeing. Having their parents
publicly declare that they cannot love each other enough to stay together
causes a child's sense of security, and their view of the world, to change
completely. While they struggle to deal with this immense change, other areas
in their lives, such as academics, become a low priority, and this can cause
the variety of problems mentioned above.
**Children often believe they have caused the conflict
between their parents. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing
their parents back together, or protecting younger siblings, sometimes by
sacrificing themselves. They need those around them to let them know these are
not their responsibilities, and to support them as they try to find a new clear
role in their changed world.
**While
parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably
frightened and confused by this immense change. Some parents feel so hurt or
overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or
direction, which can cause greater confusion for the child. Divorce can be
misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, why it
is happening, and what will happen to them moving forward. They also need the
support of friends or trusted adults outside the family to help them cope and
understand what is going on.
**When there is no viable alternative to divorce,
parents must ensure their children's emotional well-being by arranging some
form of therapy. Divorce certainly does not condemn a child to a lifetime of
unhappiness; many children of divorce have successful relationships and happy lives,
but the insecurities caused by their parents’ divorce must be dealt with before
this can truly happen. Sometimes just speaking with a therapist or trained
counselor a few times can be enough to help them move through the crisis in a
healthy way by providing them the understanding and coping strategies they
need, but they always need this help.
How Mentors Can Help-
**Try to talk to your mentee about
their family, and the relationships they have with their parents and siblings,
and start by sharing about your own family. This can be difficult, and it often
takes time for mentees to build a trust with their mentor before they open up
about these things. But it is important to discuss family relationships because
most of the time there is a direct correlation between a child's mental and academic
stability, and their home life/family dynamic. If one parent is absent, or if
both parents are working, it is more likely that your mentee will have
parental/babysitting responsibilities towards their siblings. These dynamics
can sometimes be detrimental to your mentee's study habits and motivation in
school, not to mention their emotional state, as they are already being forced
to take on adult responsibilities that eclipse less important things like
homework or play. Open communication and updates on their family life are keys
to successful mentoring so that you know where they are coming from and can
provide support.
**Once you know some of their home
situation you can help them by giving them what they may be missing. Sometimes it’s
just a person they can talk to who cares, and can help explain why things are
the way they are. Someone who can reinforce that their parents love them
regardless of how they may be acting. Maybe they need someone to help with
school and show them that it is still important, or perhaps they need someone
to show them how to be a kid and just have fun and learn experientially. If you
are not sure what your mentee needs this is something your case manager might
be able to help you with, and we would love to talk about it with you.
**Asking for help is challenging for
everyone, but it can be incredibly helpful to have the school staff know what
is going on with a student who is struggling. Encourage your mentee to talk to
their teachers or counselor about their family situation if it is at all relevant
to their academic work, so that there is a support system in all areas of your
mentee's life. This
is especially helpful if there is divorce or a sudden absence of a parent that
is causing great turmoil in their life. Often times if
they speak to a counselor about what they are going through and ask for help
that counselor can advocate for them to the teachers for leniency and
understanding so your mentee doesn’t need to tell more than one person at
school about their personal crisis, which can be difficult enough. The point of
this is to avoid unnecessary reprimanding at school that can cause more
emotional stress in your mentee, and to reinforce that asking for help from
school staff is acceptable and positive.
**Divorce, and/or sudden changes in
the family structure can dramatically change the way a child behaves in and out
of school. There are studies and research that shows a child who experience
divorce at a younger age has a greater risk of dropping out of school, using
drugs or alcohol, and other behavioral problems. If you see warning signs of
any potential behavioral problems like these speak to your case manager right
away so we can discuss how to help, and potential services available.
**Sometimes
all mentors can do is be there, listen, and support in any way we can. Your
mentee might resist anything more than that, and as mentors we don’t want to
break their trust by pushing too hard. Remember that you are not responsible
for changing everything in their life and just do your best to be the
empathetic friend and supportive adult they need in their moment of crisis.
Just being there for them will make a huge difference.
**
Check out these websites
for more information and tips-
http://dujs.dartmouth.edu/spring-2010/risk-and-resilience-in-children-coping-with-parental-divorce
http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2000/06/the-effects-of-divorce-on-america
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce
http://www.chabad.org/blogs/blog_cdo/aid/708492/jewish/Divorce-Facts-and-Myths.htm
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