What do you think?: Consistency and Communication

Scenario- Silvia has been struggling with junior high since she entered 7th grade last year. She needs a little extra help organizing all of the homework from all of her different classes. Not only does she feel busy at school, but her family isn't doing very well, and her parents have been stressed out with work, and concerned about paying the bills on time. Silvia feels overwhelmed and gets distracted during classes worrying about her family. Then she gets upset that she cannot focus in class, or on her homework. It feels like an unbreakable cycle and she doesn't know what to do.

Normally she talks to her Mentor, who she has been seeing since last year, but unfortunately they haven't been meeting as much this school year. They don't have a consistent meeting day during the week, and most of the time they try to schedule a meeting it doesn't work out, either because Silvia is helping out at home or her Mentor is booked, and they don't meet at all. Silvia is starting to feel that her Mentor is too busy to meet with her, or maybe just doesn’t want to be her mentor anymore. Silvia doesn't want to bother her Mentor too much, so she stops calling and texting because she is worried it might stress her Mentor out, and she is a little upset at how her mentor hasn’t been communicating with her. When her Mentor calls now, Silvia avoids the phone calls and tries to focus on helping her family.

Questions for Discussion-

1. What do you think about this situation? Why are they having so much trouble with communication and consistent meetings?
2. What do you do when you get stressed out about something in your life? Is it hard to open up to someone about it, especially if they are busy with their own drama? Does it help to talk to someone?
3. What do you think will happen if Silvia focuses on her family and drops out of school? Will that really help her family? What could she do instead?
4. Do you think that Silvia's Mentor really stopping caring about her? What could the Mentor do to rebuild Silvia’s trust?
5. What do you think is the best solution for Silvia and her Mentor? How can they both improve their communication and get back on track? 

How Mentors Can Help-

          **When it comes to building a relationship and trust, with your mentee or anyone, the most important aspects are consistency and communication. It is the mentor’s responsibility to move the relationship forward and do the majority of the communication and reaching out to set up meetings, at least at first until a rhythm is established.

**It is important for Mentors to establish consistency with their Mentees early on in the relationship, and especially during the beginning of the school year. A consistent start is a good start, and usually leads to development of good routines and habits. In the beginning of the school year try to set up a consistent day and time for your weekly meeting, and then add on extra time to hang out outside of school if you want, while keeping that same weekly meeting. You can change or experiment with your meeting place(s) depending on what activity/assignment you're doing that day.

**The hardest part of setting up these meetings is communication with your mentee, so if you run into trouble contact your case manager for information on the teacher or school counselor as they are excellent assets to help with this process.

**However, we know that you have your own lives and responsibilities that can throw your routine off track sometimes. When this happens its important to communicate with your mentee not only that you need to reschedule the meeting, but why, and reinforce that you look forward to meeting them on the rescheduled date. This is so that they don’t feel you are just ditching them or that you no longer want to mentor them. Many of the kids we work with are sensitive to rejection so it’s important to be aware of this. If you cannot meet with them try to stay in touch with a text message or phone call so they know you are still there for them.

          **Show your emotional support by asking about them and their about their family. Share what’s going on in your own life so they feel more comfortable opening up and sharing in return. Talk to them about school and how that is going for them. Maybe it is best to separate school and family time; suggest that they do their assignments with you, after school in the library, or during their supervision period so they can focus on fun and family when they are home. When your Mentee knows you understand both their school life and their home life, then they are more likely to reach out when they need help or need advice about something.

What Do You Think?: Teasing The Smart Kid.

Scenario:
Lidia just entered 9th grade and has always done well in school, enjoys reading, and likes to think about things in new ways. People tend to assume she is older than she is and she often feels as though she is not “on the same page” as her friends. Her school smarts and unique way of thinking make her a target for teasing, even from her own friends. A few of her classmates call her names like stupid, weird, and spacey, and ridicule her good grades. She laughs it off but secretly wonders if she really is weird or crazy and wants nothing more than to be accepted and liked by her classmates. The teasing makes her feel isolated, angry, and recently has caused her grades to slip from A’s to C’s. She has also started making older friends and engaging in risky behaviors with alcohol and boys because she is trying to fit in and be “cool.”

Questions for Discussion:
1. If Lidia doesn’t get some help what do you think could happen to her?
2. Why do the other kids tease her so much, and have you ever teased someone for those reasons?
3. Have you ever been the kid being teased and how did it make you feel? What did it make you want to do?
4. If you were Lidia what could you do to make the situation better? How would the kids teasing her react to each option you come up with?

Factoids:
**Smart, or “gifted,” youth are often teased by classmates because they are perceived as different. A 2006 study of almost 500 gifted 8th grade students showed that 67% had experienced teasing or bullying from their peers, and many think its closer to 90%!

**Gifted youth tend to be more sensitive to others and can experience intense reactions to teasing and bullying. Potential consequences are emotional withdrawal, depression, intense anger, or even violence against self or others. Many of the kids involved in school shootings were gifted children who were reportedly teased and bullied regularly.

**Most gifted youth that are teased don’t tell anyone or ask for help because they think it reflects poorly on them, are ashamed they can do nothing to stop it, and/or think telling an adult is “tattling”. Common symptoms of being teased are lowered academic achievement, trouble sleeping or eating (especially during the school week), unexplained aversion to school/ditching, headaches and stomach aches before and during school, and emotional flatness.

**Psychological studies indicate that victims of teasing/bullying might choose to partake in more risky behaviors (drinking, smoking, drug use, unprotected sex) than those who have not been victimized, may become more delinquent in later stages, and could possibly be diagnosed with future psychological problems such as ADHD and anxiety disorders.

What Can Mentors do to Help Prevent This?:
**The most important thing is to be understanding and empathetic, don’t try to minimize their pain by telling them that lots of kids get teased or that they should just stand up for themselves, these strategies are proven to make victims feel even more powerless and inadequate. Be supportive, sympathetic, and reassure them that they are not weird, stupid etc. and that telling an adult is not shameful or tattling. If they are being teased because they are gifted explain to them what their being gifted means and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Smart children often feel different than their peers but don’t know why, so understanding that can be a big relief.

**Try using this problem solving model created for kids who are being teased or bullied.
1. Clarify the problem with your mentee (who, where, when, and why).
2. Brainstorm other ways your mentee could respond the next time the situation arises:
a. postpone judgment on suggested responses: their answers can be inappropriate, vindictive, silly etc; just let them explore and don’t be afraid to joke around a little bit!
b. While you let them get out emotions and be silly in this exercise, be sure to include appropriate responses: walk away, be assertive, go for help etc.
3. Think through the consequences of each suggestion on the list and pick one to try.
4. Make a plan, role play to practice, and have them try it out.
5. Evaluate what happened, and try another option if necessary.

**Some successful responses you can try with them are:
1. Stay calm and ignore the bully. Feign disinterest or boredom (maybe yawn) and become interested in some other activity.
2. Be assertive and tell the bully/s how you feel without being aggressive and escalating the situation. Eg. Try to get the bully/s alone and say something like, “It really hurts my feelings when you say xyz about me and I would appreciate it if you would stop.”
3. If the bully won’t stop, or they threaten or scare your mentee tell them to seek adult help immediately. Come up with several safe people they can go to in various situations and places (school, home, after school program etc) and talk to those people about the situation so they are ready and willing to help. Of course it’s best if your mentee can deal with the bully themselves but if their physical or emotional safety is in jeopardy they need to be able to find help. Threatening someone is a crime and should be treated as such.

**If you are teaching them how to be assertive practice these tactics:
1. Look people in the eye
2. Stand up straight, with feet slightly apart
3. Keep your hands in your pockets
4. Move closer to the person rather than backing off as you talk
5. Speak loudly enough and use a firm and determined voice

**Check out these links, and do your own internet research with your mentee, for more information on gifted children, bullying, and other helpful coping strategies.
http://www.babycenter.com/404_other-kids-ridicule-my-child-for-being-so-smart-what-can-i-d_71396.bc
http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Child-is-Being-Bullied.php#