What Do You Think?: Anger Management

Scenario:

Kimberly, a 5^th grader, was known as the “leader” of her friends. No one ever challenged Kimberly because she angered easily. One day during lunch, when all the girls finished their food, they thought they’d play freeze tag. Kimberly didn’t want to play freeze tag; she wanted to play dodge ball, but her friends started to gather people for freeze tag anyways. Kimberly started yelling and told them they weren’t friends anymore. She then kicked the ball to the other side of the playground and walked away.

After school, Kimberly got on the bus to go home, ignoring her friends. At home, her mom told her to start her homework while she prepared dinner. Kimberly yelled back at her mom, “I don’t want to do any homework! It’s dumb!” Kimberly ran into the bedroom, slammed the door shut and started throwing stuff.

Questions for Discussion

1. Why do you think Kimberly got so mad at her friends? How could she have reacted differently to maybe get them to play dodge ball?

2. Have you ever felt angry at someone? Who was it? How did you handle it?

3. Was it okay for Kimberly to get mad at her mom? Why or why not?

4. What did you think of how angry Kimberly got? Were her reactions appropriate?

5. Who do you think you can help Kimberly with her anger? Who do you go to for help when you’re angry?

Factoids:

** According to BBC News almost 1/3 of 2,000 people polled had a friend or family member that struggled with anger. 

** The Mental Heath Foundation says that anger is often only dealt with after a violent crime is committed. Since this fact is alarming they highly recommend early education and intervention for anger management. 

** Chronic and intense anger has been linked to heart disease, cancer, stroke, colds and flu as well as depression, self-harm and substance misuse. High levels of stress inevitably take their toll on the immune system. 

** 12% of people polled say they have trouble controlling their anger. 1 in 4 worry about how angry they get. 64% think they get anger than anyone else in the room. 

** Myths about Anger Management: 

1. Venting helps get out the rage. It actually reinforces that pattern. 

2. Strong words are needed to get peoples attention. Calm clear speech is much more effective. How would you like to be spoken to? 

3. If I am not mad I don't care. There are many ways to show that in a much kinder and considerate way.

4. If I back down the other person is right. Debate does not need to be heated or angry and you certainly still have the right to defend your point. 

http://angermanagement.net/denial-in-anger-management-problems

** Self awareness is very important to be able to create self control, both of these are keys to be able to work on anger management issues. Learn about yourself so that you can find inner peace, everything else will become much more manageable from that point. 

** Yoga and mediation may be an extremely effective way to find an inner calm place to go when dealing with anger. 

** Diversion therapy suggests removing your anger from your body literally by perhaps hitting a pillow, kicking a punching bag, or screaming into a pillow. 

** Expression therapy is a similar activity that is popular in Japan where "stress bars" have popped up that allow you to throw objects to relieve your angst. 

** Suppression therapy is using techniques such as counting to 10 or deep breathing to remove your self from the moment when the anger is building. 

** Traditional therapy and communication are highly recommended to get to the route of the anger.  

How mentors can help:

** Allow your mentee to calmly communicate what their real life problems are. Build a safe space for them to talk with you. 

** Practice mediation techniques together. 

** Teach your mentee stress points on their body so they can give themselves mini-massages when anger starts to build to cut off the stress. 

** Use humor. Teasing or kidding can often defuse an angry situation and allow a child to "save face." Don't use humor to ridicule your child; use it to make fun of the situation. 

** Provide physical outlets and exercise. Play a sport, work out at the gym, cut wood, clean, etc. Kids need physical activity to let off steam. 

** Praise positive behavior. Children strive for attention in whatever form it comes-even negative attention. So be on the lookout for those positive things your mentee does and give your attention to those.

** Teach your mentee how to step back. One of the healthiest responses to anger is to step back long enough to rethink the situation, calm down and determine what to do next. Also, teach them how to use self-talk. Try things like counting to ten, taking deep breaths, and saying to themselves, "I'm okay, just stay calm" and "I can handle this."

Local Resources: 

* SBCC Personal Counseling and Assessment Test 

* Santa Barbara County Anger Management Therapists

* Anger Management Counseling Services 

* The Aware Parenting Institute  

Online Resources:

* 12 Steps to Calm Down and Get a Grip Anger Management Tips for Teens

* Anger Management for Teens

  

* How to Help Your Kid Deal with Anger

* Anger Management: Control, Redirect, and Change

What Do You Think?: Teasing the Kid Who Doesn't Sound Like You

Scenario: Casie is in the 5th grade and is very popular with her classmates. Everyone wants to be her friend and play with her during recess. Casie has played with the same friends since she was in the first grade, and they have become a close group of girls. One day, Casie’s new classmate Lisa comes up to ask if she can play with Casie. Casie starts laughing at Lisa because she has a stutter. She says, “No Lisa, you can’t play with us because you sound weird. Why do you even talk like that?” Casie goes on and starts fake stuttering back at Lisa. All her friends are laughing and they start making fun of Lisa too so they can be as cool as Casie. Lisa starts to cry and runs into the bathroom.


Questions for Discussion:

1. Why do you think Casie reacted the way she did to Lisa? Do you think she thought about her actions before doing them? Might she have acted differently if she wasn’t surrounded by her friends?
2. Why do you think kids tease each other in general? What did Casie gain by teasing Lisa? Do you think Cassie will get in trouble for this?
3. How do you think Lisa feels? How might this affect her in the future?
4. Have you ever made fun of someone because they speak differently? Why did you do it or why didn’t you? How do you feel about that now?
5. If you saw someone being made fun of, would you try to stop it? What would you do?
6. Have you ever been teased for the way you sound before? What might you do if you were? Would you tell someone?

Factoids:
* Every seven minutes, a child is bullied at a school yard. Bullying is serious and can range from verbal to physical taunting. It can cause emotional and physical pain which could have long term effects on those who are teased.

* There are often differences in the way boys and girls bully. Boys may use more direct verbal and physical bullying tactics, while girls may use more indirect and psychological tactics for bullying. All of these can be extremely detrimental to a child’s emotional and physical well-being.

* Bullying has changed to now include cyber-bullying, which can involve texting, social media, e-mail, and harassing phone calls. Nearly 42% of kids have reported being bullied online and many have had this happen on more than one occasion.

* Megan Meier was a teenage victim of cyber-bullying when other created a fake web page to gain her confidence, which was then used to taunt her mercilessly until she finally hung herself. She was only thirteen years old at the time. Http://www.meganmeierfoundation.org/ is the site for the foundation that was created to work toward prevention of cyber bullying.

* Children may have access to weapons, and if bullying escalates, the bully or the bullied could bring it to school with devastating consequences. One study estimates that one out of twenty students has seen a gun at school.

* Teasing often occurs most in areas with the least amount of supervision, such as hallways, buses, and on the way to or from school. Without an adult witness, it often has to escalate before it is reported, as many kids are taught that “tattling” is wrong and they often can feel too ashamed to say anything.

* Despite many schools having “No Tolerance” policies for bullying, it still occurs on a frequent basis amongst all grade levels and ages. Studies show that around 30% of kids have been bullied, have bullied others, or both. A country-wide study showed that 74% of 8-11 year-olds state that teasing and bullying occurs in their schools on a regular basis.

* Even some of the kids who are considered to be “popular” can still feel very insecure. They may try to distract from this by making fun of other kids.

* Children will join in with teasing other kids if they feel that it is going to allow them to be part of the more popular crowd, even if they do not feel it is the right thing to do.

* Kids who have more confidence are often less likely to tease others. Kids who have more confidence are often more likely to remain resilient when other kids tease them.

* Children often imitate those around them, especially parents, older siblings and kids, and other older mentors. Positive role modeling has a big influence in how kids carry themselves and interact with those around them.

* Arming kids with tools that help them to be more self-confident, such as humor and positive self-image, will allow them to have better outcomes when encountering peer pressure, teasing, and other challenging situations.

How Mentors Can Help:
* Talk to your mentee about times when they have been teased or when they have teased other kids. Share examples from your experiences. Talk about their feelings and your feelings, as well as what can be learned from both. If your mentee is hesitant to talk about it, you can use your examples and other examples to make them feel more comfortable opening up.

* It is important to take any reports of serious bullying seriously. If someone is causing harm to your mentee, please follow up appropriately. Encourage your mentee to look at some outlets for their feelings, such as this movement: http://www.makebeatsnotbeatdowns.org/movement_new.html

* If your mentee has participated in teasing, talk with them about what guided this decision. Encourage them to step into the other kid’s shoes and think about how they might feel if they were being teased that way. Talk with them about some ways they can treat all of their peers with respect, no matter what someone else does. Make sure not to criticize this behavior in a way that might cause them to shut down; rather try getting them to understand what is motivating them to tease others and helping them to come to the understanding of treating others how they would want to be treated.

* If your mentee has been teased, talk with them about why they think the kid(s) who teased them is feeling and why they might be doing this. They may not respond as well to this right away, so it might be helpful to talk about how someone who is doing the teasing is often insecure about something themselves. Make sure not to excuse this behavior, simply make it so that the kid being teased has a better understanding that it is not about them, even if it feels that way.

* Let your mentee know that, no matter what anyone says, they have nothing to be ashamed about. Encourage them to embrace the things that make them unique and not to be ashamed of anything about themselves.

* Whether or not your mentee has been teased, work with them on ways that they can use humor and self-confidence to avoid being influenced by others in a negative way. Encourage your mentee to stand up for his or herself in a positive and non-violent way and to not let anyone else have power over them.

* For LGBTQ identified mentees, encourage them to look into the messages of hope on the “It Gets Better” website: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

Additional Resources:

** Tips for responding to teasing
** How to help a child being teased
** "Teaseproofing" a youth
** Helping Kids Deal with Bullies
** Facts about Bullying
** Facts About Cyberbullying

What Do You Think?: Video Gaming

Scenario:

Carlo loves to play video games, and even though he is only 11 years old he just got Call of Duty 3 as a birthday gift from his uncle in November.  Ever since he has been obsessed with the game and plays it all day after school.  His parents don’t pay much attention to his gaming, or to him, because they both work so much and he has two younger siblings that occupy their free time.  They let him have the video game console in his room so that he wouldn’t bother them.

 However, now they are becoming concerned because his grades are declining and his teachers complain that he doesn’t do his homework.  They tried to talk to him and enforce the rule of doing homework before playing, but this just causes him to lie about homework and stay up extra late playing so that he dozes through school.  Carlo knows his gaming is negatively affecting his life but he just can’t resist playing when he gets home. 

The game is also far more mature and violent than is appropriate for his age, something that his uncle had no idea about, he just knew that Carlo wanted it.  Carlo has played first-person shooters before but this game is so much more realistic than his other games.  Today in school a kid pushed Carlo in the lunch line and Carlo instantly reacted with a much stronger shove that sent the kid to the ground.  

Questions for Discussion:

1. How is Carlo’s gaming affecting his life and the other people in it?  Why do you think he games so much even though he knows it is bad for him?
2. Do you think the violent nature of his new game caused him to be more aggressive in pushing that boy?  Why or why not?
3. If he continues to game so much what could happen? (consider academics, relationships, work, physical, emotional)
4. Do you think there are any benefits to playing video games?  If so what might they be, and when might they outweigh the negatives?
5. How might Carlo’s parents have helped create this problem and what could they do to turn it around? 

Factoids:

** Video games are a highly effective learning tool for children because they engage attention, repeat actions, and offer rewards for success.  Research shows that this learning can be positive or negative depending mostly on the amount of time spent playing and the level of violence/mature content. 

** Video games can be beneficial when they are played in moderation and the content is age appropriate.  The potential benefits of playing video games can include improvement in:

• Learning to follow directions
• Problem solving and logic skills, critical thinking
• Hand eye coordination, fine motor, and spatial skills
• Resource management and logistics
• Multitasking, simultaneous tracking of many shifting variables and managing multiple objectives
• Quick thinking, making fast analysis and decisions
• Strategy and anticipation
• Reading and math skills
• Perseverance and mastery
• Memory and mental mapping
• Teamwork and cooperation

• Real world skills that transfer from the game (esp. simulation games)

**However, when video games are played for more than 10 hours a week and/or are especially violent it can lead to a host of problems such as:

• Increased aggressive thinking and behavior
• Numbing to real acts of violence, reduced compassion and empathy
• Social isolation, impaired social skills, and less time spent on reading, sports, and socializing with friend and family
• Reduced academic performance, less time spent on homework and studying
• Reduced creativity and imagination
• Exposure to racist, sexist, and criminal behaviors.
• Learning negative sexual stereotypes, women are helpless or over-sexualized, men are aggressive, violent, and vengeful
• Health problems: obesity, video-induced seizures, and postural, muscular, and skeletal disorders (tendonitis, carpal tunnel etc).
• Online play can teach children bad language or behavior and make them vulnerable to online predators.
• Game addiction which can cause depression, anxiety, and social phobia.

** According to a national study 92% of children ages 2-17 play video games.  And boys ages 8-13 play the most, averaging almost an hour a day.  This study also shows that African American and Hispanic youth play more videogames than white youth, and low income youth play more than high income youth.

** Another study shows that 89% of the most popular games contain violence, and half contain serious violence.

** Video game addiction is real and like any other addiction is used to escape from an unhappy reality and feel a sense of control.  Playing video games for hours every day to the point that it negatively affects other areas of their life means they are addicted and need help.

What Mentors Can Do To Help With This:

** Talk to your mentee about the video games they like to play and how much time they spend playing.  Ask them if they think it affects them in any way and discuss the pros and cons.

** Try playing a game with them to get an idea of the content so that you can talk about it with them and let them know how you feel about it.  Playing with them will also give them a chance to be better than you at something (probably) and will be a self-esteem boost if nothing else.

** Encourage your mentee to spend time doing other activities, or at least play games with more educational value and less violence (civilization vs call of duty).

** Take your mentee out in nature, to the beach or a nice hike, to help them clear their heads and get a fresh perspective on what is important in life

** If you notice your mentee is more aggressive after playing video games talk to them about it, they might not even realize it is affecting them.

** But most importantly, while you are talking about video games try to see it from their perspective and understand the appeal of video games, otherwise they will write off your advice. 

To learn more about the good, bad, and ugly of video gaming try these sites:

The Good and Bad about video games article

Video Game Fact Sheet

Video Game Addiction Help

What Do You Think?: Cyber Gossip

Scenario:

Bianca and her friends have hung out together since they were little. They’ve had the same teachers all through the 6th grade. But now they’re in junior high and don’t see each other all the time except during lunch. So they all set up Facebook accounts to connect during class and after school. Bianca didn’t want one at first, but her friends made an account for her and requested a bunch of “friends”. Over the course of the first day, Bianca had over 50 friends on Facebook. She noticed that everyone was talking about the big school dance on Friday.

It’s now Friday and Bianca and all her friends are having a blast! Towards the end of the dance, Bianca gets asked to dance by a boy she has had a crush on named Kevin and she giggles with her friends before saying yes. As soon as the dance is over she gets home and logs on to Facebook. She starts talking to her friends about how much fun she had at the dance. Her friends are posting pictures of her and Kevin dancing and making comments on them. They are calling her really bad names, and making up rumors about her and Kevin. She doesn’t know what do to and sits in her bedroom, crying herself to sleep, dreading school on Monday.

Questions for discussion:

1. Why do you think the girls are spreading these rumors about Bianca?
2. What should Bianca do to make the girls stop?
3. How would you feel if someone was spreading rumors about you online?
4. Who can you talk to if someone is spreading rumors about you?
5. Should Bianca retaliate towards the girls?

Factoids:

**About 50% of teens have been the victims of cyber bullying.

**Mean, hurtful comments and spreading rumors are the most common type of cyber bullying.

**Girls are somewhat more likely than boys to be involved in cyber bullying.

**Boys are more likely to be threatened by cyber bullies than girls.

**21% of kids have received mean or threatening e-mail or other messages.

**58% have not told their parents or another adult about something mean or hurtful that happened to them online.

***53% of kids admit having said something mean or hurtful to another person online. More than 1 in 3 have done it more than once.

What Can Mentors Can to Help Prevent This?:

**Educate. Teach your mentee what to do in cases where they feel threatened or bullied. They should ignore the offender and contact an adult immediately.

**Be your mentee’s support system. The biggest way to prevent your mentee form being a victim is to keep the lines of communication open. Your mentee needs to feel that he or she can come to you without negative repercussions. This also means listening carefully and avoiding the tendency to trivialize what they are experiencing. It may not seem like a big deal to an adult, but it can be a serious blow to the self-esteem of a child or teen.

**Know the danger signs. You mentee may become more withdrawn or moody. They may spend more time online, or may refuse to use the computer altogether. They may cut off ties with friends. If your mentee gives any indication that they are being bullied on or offline, take it seriously and report it to your case manager or their school personnel. It is of utmost importance to make sure this doesn’t hurt them more or turn into something bigger.

**Try to help your mentee understand. Ask if the rumor was meant to hurt them, or was it just a case of misinformation or exaggeration? Is someone trying to get back at them for something?

**Talk with your mentee about resisting the urge to take revenge. Keep in mind that when someone starts a rumor meant to hurt another person, he or she is probably doing it because of insecurity or unhappiness. If you are a victim of gossip and rumors, you might want to think up lies or expose secrets that you know and take revenge. This might feel good, but only for a short time, and can potentially lead to serious consequences.

What Do You Think?: Teasing The Smart Kid.

Scenario:
Lidia just entered 9th grade and has always done well in school, enjoys reading, and likes to think about things in new ways. People tend to assume she is older than she is and she often feels as though she is not “on the same page” as her friends. Her school smarts and unique way of thinking make her a target for teasing, even from her own friends. A few of her classmates call her names like stupid, weird, and spacey, and ridicule her good grades. She laughs it off but secretly wonders if she really is weird or crazy and wants nothing more than to be accepted and liked by her classmates. The teasing makes her feel isolated, angry, and recently has caused her grades to slip from A’s to C’s. She has also started making older friends and engaging in risky behaviors with alcohol and boys because she is trying to fit in and be “cool.”

Questions for Discussion:
1. If Lidia doesn’t get some help what do you think could happen to her?
2. Why do the other kids tease her so much, and have you ever teased someone for those reasons?
3. Have you ever been the kid being teased and how did it make you feel? What did it make you want to do?
4. If you were Lidia what could you do to make the situation better? How would the kids teasing her react to each option you come up with?

Factoids:
**Smart, or “gifted,” youth are often teased by classmates because they are perceived as different. A 2006 study of almost 500 gifted 8th grade students showed that 67% had experienced teasing or bullying from their peers, and many think its closer to 90%!

**Gifted youth tend to be more sensitive to others and can experience intense reactions to teasing and bullying. Potential consequences are emotional withdrawal, depression, intense anger, or even violence against self or others. Many of the kids involved in school shootings were gifted children who were reportedly teased and bullied regularly.

**Most gifted youth that are teased don’t tell anyone or ask for help because they think it reflects poorly on them, are ashamed they can do nothing to stop it, and/or think telling an adult is “tattling”. Common symptoms of being teased are lowered academic achievement, trouble sleeping or eating (especially during the school week), unexplained aversion to school/ditching, headaches and stomach aches before and during school, and emotional flatness.

**Psychological studies indicate that victims of teasing/bullying might choose to partake in more risky behaviors (drinking, smoking, drug use, unprotected sex) than those who have not been victimized, may become more delinquent in later stages, and could possibly be diagnosed with future psychological problems such as ADHD and anxiety disorders.

What Can Mentors do to Help Prevent This?:
**The most important thing is to be understanding and empathetic, don’t try to minimize their pain by telling them that lots of kids get teased or that they should just stand up for themselves, these strategies are proven to make victims feel even more powerless and inadequate. Be supportive, sympathetic, and reassure them that they are not weird, stupid etc. and that telling an adult is not shameful or tattling. If they are being teased because they are gifted explain to them what their being gifted means and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Smart children often feel different than their peers but don’t know why, so understanding that can be a big relief.

**Try using this problem solving model created for kids who are being teased or bullied.
1. Clarify the problem with your mentee (who, where, when, and why).
2. Brainstorm other ways your mentee could respond the next time the situation arises:
a. postpone judgment on suggested responses: their answers can be inappropriate, vindictive, silly etc; just let them explore and don’t be afraid to joke around a little bit!
b. While you let them get out emotions and be silly in this exercise, be sure to include appropriate responses: walk away, be assertive, go for help etc.
3. Think through the consequences of each suggestion on the list and pick one to try.
4. Make a plan, role play to practice, and have them try it out.
5. Evaluate what happened, and try another option if necessary.

**Some successful responses you can try with them are:
1. Stay calm and ignore the bully. Feign disinterest or boredom (maybe yawn) and become interested in some other activity.
2. Be assertive and tell the bully/s how you feel without being aggressive and escalating the situation. Eg. Try to get the bully/s alone and say something like, “It really hurts my feelings when you say xyz about me and I would appreciate it if you would stop.”
3. If the bully won’t stop, or they threaten or scare your mentee tell them to seek adult help immediately. Come up with several safe people they can go to in various situations and places (school, home, after school program etc) and talk to those people about the situation so they are ready and willing to help. Of course it’s best if your mentee can deal with the bully themselves but if their physical or emotional safety is in jeopardy they need to be able to find help. Threatening someone is a crime and should be treated as such.

**If you are teaching them how to be assertive practice these tactics:
1. Look people in the eye
2. Stand up straight, with feet slightly apart
3. Keep your hands in your pockets
4. Move closer to the person rather than backing off as you talk
5. Speak loudly enough and use a firm and determined voice

**Check out these links, and do your own internet research with your mentee, for more information on gifted children, bullying, and other helpful coping strategies.
http://www.babycenter.com/404_other-kids-ridicule-my-child-for-being-so-smart-what-can-i-d_71396.bc
http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Child-is-Being-Bullied.php#