What do you think? Divorce and Family Issues

What do you think? Divorce and Family Issues

Scenario- Dean is right in the middle of high school in his sophomore year. His parents always used to argue, but he thought that was normal for every family. Then during the summer, his dad started not coming home until really late at night, or on the weekends. This summer, he overheard his parents talking about divorce, and this year of high school just hasn't felt right. Dean doesn't know who to talk to, his older brother is working all the time up north, his younger sister is too young, and he is worried he will upset her more. She cried one night their parents were fighting, and now Dean feels like he has to protect her. Many of his friends at school don't have a dad around, and have always considered him lucky, so Dean is embarrassed to complain or whine about his family drama. He has decided to simply keep quiet about the divorce and just try and keep his sister happy. Unfortunately his mom has been so busy trying to keep everything at home organized that she sometimes forgets to buy enough food and keep the house clean. It has been a struggle for Dean to be a parent to his sister and take care of his schoolwork, her schoolwork, and the house. Dean feels like he is spinning out of control, forgetting homework assignments and often missing class, and so emotional he just doesn’t know how to handle all the changes. He just wants to make things work at home, and be the man of the house since his dad is not around as much. He is unsure of talking to anyone about it, but doesn’t know if he can keep it together on his own.

Questions for Discussion-

1.)   What do you think about Dean's decision to focus on his family and take on adult responsibilities without talking to anyone? What would you do in his situation?

2.)   How do you think Dean feels about the divorce of his parents? Would talking to someone about this situation help him? If so, how?

3.)   Do you think Dean should ask for extra help in school or work something out with his teachers considering his difficult situation? Do you think that his teachers will understand and give him some leniency?

4.)   Have you ever opened up to a teacher, or adult, at school about personal problems that affect your work? What happened, and did it help you?

5.)   Have you, a family member, or close friend been through divorce/family problems? How has that affected you?

Factoids-

**Divorce can be a serious trauma for children of all ages and has many serious potential consequences. Children whose parents have divorced are more likely to be the victims of abuse. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are more frequently involved in drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.

**Children of divorced parents also tend to perform more poorly in reading, spelling, and math, are more likely to repeat a grade, and to have higher drop-out rates and lower rates of college graduation.

**Children expect and deserve to grow up in a safe and consistent world. Their parents' role is to nurture and protect them, and help them understand the world and their place in it. The dissolution of the family is the single greatest threat to a child's emotional – and often financial or physical– wellbeing. Having their parents publicly declare that they cannot love each other enough to stay together causes a child's sense of security, and their view of the world, to change completely. While they struggle to deal with this immense change, other areas in their lives, such as academics, become a low priority, and this can cause the variety of problems mentioned above.

**Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their parents. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, or protecting younger siblings, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. They need those around them to let them know these are not their responsibilities, and to support them as they try to find a new clear role in their changed world.

**While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by this immense change. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction, which can cause greater confusion for the child. Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, why it is happening, and what will happen to them moving forward. They also need the support of friends or trusted adults outside the family to help them cope and understand what is going on.

**When there is no viable alternative to divorce, parents must ensure their children's emotional well-being by arranging some form of therapy. Divorce certainly does not condemn a child to a lifetime of unhappiness; many children of divorce have successful relationships and happy lives, but the insecurities caused by their parents’ divorce must be dealt with before this can truly happen. Sometimes just speaking with a therapist or trained counselor a few times can be enough to help them move through the crisis in a healthy way by providing them the understanding and coping strategies they need, but they always need this help.

How Mentors Can Help-

            **Try to talk to your mentee about their family, and the relationships they have with their parents and siblings, and start by sharing about your own family. This can be difficult, and it often takes time for mentees to build a trust with their mentor before they open up about these things. But it is important to discuss family relationships because most of the time there is a direct correlation between a child's mental and academic stability, and their home life/family dynamic. If one parent is absent, or if both parents are working, it is more likely that your mentee will have parental/babysitting responsibilities towards their siblings. These dynamics can sometimes be detrimental to your mentee's study habits and motivation in school, not to mention their emotional state, as they are already being forced to take on adult responsibilities that eclipse less important things like homework or play. Open communication and updates on their family life are keys to successful mentoring so that you know where they are coming from and can provide support.

            **Once you know some of their home situation you can help them by giving them what they may be missing. Sometimes it’s just a person they can talk to who cares, and can help explain why things are the way they are. Someone who can reinforce that their parents love them regardless of how they may be acting. Maybe they need someone to help with school and show them that it is still important, or perhaps they need someone to show them how to be a kid and just have fun and learn experientially. If you are not sure what your mentee needs this is something your case manager might be able to help you with, and we would love to talk about it with you.

            **Asking for help is challenging for everyone, but it can be incredibly helpful to have the school staff know what is going on with a student who is struggling. Encourage your mentee to talk to their teachers or counselor about their family situation if it is at all relevant to their academic work, so that there is a support system in all areas of your mentee's life. This is especially helpful if there is divorce or a sudden absence of a parent that is causing great turmoil in their life. Often times if they speak to a counselor about what they are going through and ask for help that counselor can advocate for them to the teachers for leniency and understanding so your mentee doesn’t need to tell more than one person at school about their personal crisis, which can be difficult enough. The point of this is to avoid unnecessary reprimanding at school that can cause more emotional stress in your mentee, and to reinforce that asking for help from school staff is acceptable and positive.

            **Divorce, and/or sudden changes in the family structure can dramatically change the way a child behaves in and out of school. There are studies and research that shows a child who experience divorce at a younger age has a greater risk of dropping out of school, using drugs or alcohol, and other behavioral problems. If you see warning signs of any potential behavioral problems like these speak to your case manager right away so we can discuss how to help, and potential services available.

            **Sometimes all mentors can do is be there, listen, and support in any way we can. Your mentee might resist anything more than that, and as mentors we don’t want to break their trust by pushing too hard. Remember that you are not responsible for changing everything in their life and just do your best to be the empathetic friend and supportive adult they need in their moment of crisis. Just being there for them will make a huge difference.

**

Check out these websites for more information and tips-

http://dujs.dartmouth.edu/spring-2010/risk-and-resilience-in-children-coping-with-parental-divorce

http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2000/06/the-effects-of-divorce-on-america

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce

http://www.chabad.org/blogs/blog_cdo/aid/708492/jewish/Divorce-Facts-and-Myths.htm

What Do You Think?: Dealing with Divorce

Scenario

Bobby is eleven years old and is in 6th grade. His parents have been together for over 13 years, but have always had a very hard relationship. They managed to stay together for Bobby and his sister, thinking it would benefit them. However, they have trouble being around each other and fight constantly. When they start fighting, Bobby and his sister run to their room and he tries to occupy his sister to distract her. Bobby has recently noticed more and more yelling between his mom and dad and he doesn’t know what is happening between them.
Just last week, Bobby's parents told his sister and him they are getting a divorce. Bobby is scared and sad because he is used to having both parents at home. He is trying to figure out what to do, and how can he deal with such a new reality.

Questions for Discussion

1. Can Bobby understand the reasoning behind his parents separation? Do you think he blames himself? How would you feel?
2. Do you think Bobby can try to convince his parents to stay together? Should he try?
3. What are the pros and cons of his parents getting divorced? What could be positive about it?
4. How might the divorce change Bobby's relationship with his parents?
5. What could his parents do to make this easier for Bobby?
6. What other emotions do you think Bobby is feeling? Should he talk to someone about them? Who?

Factoids

** Studies reveal that children who are raised in a two person, loving, and stable environment show less signs of depression, anxiety, and defiant behavior and these children also have better academics and develop the capacity for truly intimate relationships. Children raised in a stressful and conflicted marriage are more stressed, have more defiant behavior, and have more disciplinary problems than children raised in a stable divorced or stable single parent home.

** Studies also have shown that children can do better when their parents get divorced. Sometimes they live a healthier life than when their parents lived together in a continuous state of conflict, instability, argumentation, hatred, and uncertainty.

** Many people marry out of love and divorce out of anger. Unfortunately, children become the victims of marital war. Regardless of the decision, it is important to remember that when children are involved – both parents will be involved in some capacity for all of the activities, decisions, and emotional consequences that affect the entire family moving forward.

** The goal of any decision is to develop a cordial and harmonious relationship with a partner. And that is always in the children's best interest.

** Divorce can be an emotionally exhausting experience. It is important to take into account how the stress and heightened emotions can affect everyone in the family, especially the children.

What Mentors Can Do to Help With This?

** Talk to your mentee and help him/her understand the pros and cons of a divorce. Try to see the divorce from the perspective of everyone involved so your mentee can have a better understanding of why this is happening and that it is not because of them.

** Make sure that the mentee understands that this decision to divorce is not something that is under his/her control, but that he/she should talk to his parents about how it is making him/her feel as a part of the family.

** Explain to the mentee that parents staying married only because of kids can result in an overall bad experience.

** Try to be a source of stability during a potentially stressful, sad, and confusing phase in your mentee’s life.

** Allow your mentee to talk to you about the situation and try to just listen and comfort rather than fix. Remind them that you are a safe person to talk to and acknowledge how hard this must be for them.

** If you have personal experience with divorce share it with them so they know they are not alone, but be appreciative of how their experience is different and highly personal.

** Check out this website for a good source of information on how parents can make divorce an easier experience for their children.

What Do You Think?: Managing Anger

Scenario:

Marina is a 6th grader and recently she has been getting in trouble at school for fighting with her classmates. When she was younger her parents used to fight constantly and her father struggled with alcoholism. He used to yell all the time and once he even hit her mother. But last year he got sober and is trying hard to mend things with his family. Although Marina likes seeing her mother so much happier and wants to be a close family again she can’t stop feeling angry at her father for what he put them through.
When she is at school she gets along well with her classmates and has many friends, but if things aren’t going her way or someone says something she doesn’t like she blows up and can’t control herself. Because of this she has been in several fights during and after school and is in danger of suspension or even expulsion. Marina knows she needs to stop fighting but she doesn’t know how to control herself and that only makes her angrier.

Questions for Discussion:

1. How do you think you would feel if you were Marina? Why does she fight?
2. What do you think she could do to control her anger besides fighting? Is there anyone she can got o for help?
3. What might happen if she doesn’t learn to manage her anger?
4. What could her parents or teacher do to help Marina?
5. What would you do if you were Marina’s friend?

Factoids:

** Anger in children is their way of telling us that there is something wrong, usually that a goal is blocked or needs are not being met.

** According to research (Fabes and Eisenberg, 1992) anger has three main components: the emotional state itself and physiological response, the resulting behavioral expression of anger, and the person’s understanding of their anger. Learning to manage anger effectively starts with an understanding of these three aspects, and children need extra help because they are just starting to learn about emotions and often have a limited ability to think critically about their own feelings and behaviors.

** Learning to deal with anger in a productive way is extremely important because people who are often angry are at an increased risk for a huge variety of physical ailments including high blood pressure, heart attacks, gastrointestinal problems, diabetes, and high levels of stress. In fact, chronic anger can shorten your lifespan by as much as 10-20 years!

** Chronic anger is also a leading cause of workplace dissatisfaction, depression, insomnia, anxiety, relationship problems, low self-esteem, and substance abuse.

** Anger, and the behaviors associated with it, is one of the many things children can learn from their parents. Children of an angry or abusive parent are 10 times more likely to be angry and abusive themselves!

** The frontal lobe is critical in managing anger and that part of the brain is not fully formed until about 24 years of age. This explains the difficulty children and teens have in regulating their emotions and shows why they need extra guidance to help them do so effectively. 

What Mentors Can Do to Help Prevent This?

** The best thing to do is to talk with your mentee about emotions in general, and about any anger they might be experiencing to try to help them understand the three components mentioned above. Depending on the age of your mentee you may have to spend more time simply educating them about emotions: the different types, what they look like, what they feel like, what you can do if the feel each one etc. But once they understand more about emotions you can talk to them specifically about ay anger they might have felt or be feeling and start explaining the 3 parts.

** The first component, the emotional state of anger, is the moment when someone becomes angry and feels the physical symptoms such as teeth grinding, fists clenching, flushing, paling, prickly sensations, numbness, sweating, muscle tensions and temperature changes. Many children don’t know or understand their physical reactions and they might make them more upset or agitated, so explain to your mentee what is going on in their body when they feel anger.

** Then you can touch on the second component, the behavior expression of their anger, and talk to them about what they did when they got angry. Did they react aggressively with angry words or even physical assault, or did they react passively by running away, sulking, bottling up their anger, seeking adult comfort etc? Let them talk openly and without judgment about their anger and subsequent behavior, and let them know that anger is a normal emotion and they should not be embarrassed or ashamed. You just want to help them handle it in the best way possible for their health and happiness.

** Then you can move to the third component, self analysis and understanding. Start helping them think critically about their anger and how they deal with it.

         ~Why are they really angry? What goal is being thwarted or need not being met? For example, if Marina is angry because a girl said something mean about her mom she is angry at that girl for not meeting her need for respect from her peers. But she is also angry at her father for years of not meeting her needs of safety and parental love/warmth. Obviously the first is a little easier to deal with than the second but understanding why she is angry is the first step.

         ~What can they do to deal with their anger effectively so they feel better and don’t hurt anyone or get in trouble. Brainstorm with them possible strategies and suggest some of these proven effective methods:
1. The best response is to talk with someone they trust about their feelings and try to be as rational as possible to come up with a solution to what is causing the anger. But if they can’t handle their anger while talking or need tips to cool down in the moment these next one will be more helpful.
2. Count to 10 slowly
3. Focus on taking deep slow breaths
4. Move to another room or go for a walk, get out of the angry space
5. Meditate or think of something nice that you enjoy.
6. Exercise or play a sport, or just get up and run around a little bit.
7. Teach them to keep a journal where they can write down all of their anger and get it out of their head.
8. Do art (drawing, painting, music etc) to help them express their anger in a creative way.
9. Have them release their anger into a pillow by squeezing, punching, or yelling into it. But don’t encourage lots of aggressive behavior as it will only help them practice a negative response.

** Let them choose which one of these responses they would like to try next time they get angry and practice it with them. If it doesn’t work for them try a different one until something works.

** For more tips and strategies visit these websites:
http://www.help-your-child-with-anger.com/anger-management-for-teenagers.html
http://www.athealth.com/consumer/issues/childsanger.html
http://www.effectiveparenting.org/tips1.asp

What Do You Think?: Protecting Your Reputation

Scenario:
After a fun summer, Martin entered the new school year with a positive attitude. He felt good about his classes, and the new friends he’s made. After the first few weeks of school, Martin has noticed the new girl, Gaby. He develops a crush and talks to her whenever he has a chance. One of his classmates, Steve, tells Martin that Gaby likes him and wants to be his girlfriend. Excited, Martin goes to hug Gaby, and asks if she would like to be his girlfriend in front of everyone, including Steve. She stares at him, and says no. Everyone is laughing and Martin soon realizes this was just a rumor started by Steve. Martin yells some bad words to Steve, clenches his fists and throws the first punch.

Questions for Discussion:

1. How do you think Martin felt when he realized Steve had made up a rumor about him? How would you feel?
2. Why do you think Steve started the rumor?
3. Why do you think that Martin fought Steve?
4. Instead of fighting, what might have been a better way for Martin to handle this situation? How do you stand up for yourself?
5. What do you think will be the consequences for fighting at school?

Factoids:

**Fighting isn't just for boys. 46% of males and 26% of females reported they had been in physical fights. For males, both physical and verbal bullying is common, while for females, verbal bullying and rumors were more common.

**Those in the lower grades reported being in twice as many fights as those in the higher grades. However, there is a lower rate of serious violent crimes in the elementary level than the middle or high schools

**For both males and females, the percentage of students who reported being in a fight anywhere was lower in 2009 than in 2007 (39 percent compared to 44 percent for males, and 23 percent compared to 27 percent for females).

**Students recognize that being a victim of abuse at home or witnessing others being abused at home may cause violence in school.

**Two High School students were jailed in 2008 on assault charges after police said they were in a fight in the school during which another student was cut.

What Can Mentors Do to Help Prevent This?

**Teach kids to seek out trusted adults for help if they have trouble resolving conflicts on their own. Adults can be helpful in sorting out differences.

**Don’t Judge, Don’t Solve, DO Listen. Talk with your child, and find out what’s going on. Are her or his friends also fighting? Is your child struggling with an issue or perhaps a disability? Do not try to solve their problems right away. Start by listening to what your mentee has to say.

**Sometimes we unknowingly misdirect our kids’ coping skill development by teaching them how to make excuses and blame others. When you ask to a child, “Why did you hit that kid?” not only are they asking him to make an excuse, but if he doesn’t, they’ll readily provide one: “Maybe you were angry.” The question “why” always indicates that we’re looking for an excuse or reason, when really what we want to learn is what he was trying to accomplish. So a better question is “What were you trying to accomplish when you hit that kid?” because it gets to the facts of the action.

**Teach empathy, respect, and compassion. Try to understand your mentee’s feelings and talk about what the victim might be experiencing. Is your child aware of the impact of the behavior?

**Teach by example. Model nonviolent behavior (use your past experiences), practice constructive resolution of difficult situations, and give positive feedback when you notice healthy choices.