What Do You Think?: Snacking

Scenario:

Sara loves to snack, especially on candy, soda and other things from the vending machines at school. She is always hungry, but rarely eats a full meal unless she's at home for dinner. Sara never has time for breakfast at home, usually because she is rushing to school, and there aren't a lot of breakfast food options at home. Her parents don’t really eat breakfast either so they never bother her about it.

Sara has been feeling tired, and sometimes dizzy, during classes while at school. She only feels better after drinking a soda or getting a candy bar at the vending machines, but then she becomes tired again and it's hard for her to pay attention in class, especially at the end of the day. Sara is confused because every morning when she gets a soda, she usually feels energized and awake, but throughout the day she becomes more and more tired and craves more sugar or soda to get her through the day. 

Questions for Discussion: 

1. Why do you think Sara is tired throughout the day? What can Sara do to feel more energized? 

2. What kinds of food do you think Sara should be eating? 

3. Do you think that breakfast is the most important meal of the day? How often do you eat breakfast? Do you think that if Sara ate breakfast she wouldn't be as tired? 

4. Why is healthy snacking important? Do you think your food choices affect your energy? How? List what you would eat on a school day with your mentor.

5. What kinds of food do you think are "fun" and tasty? What kinds of food do you think are "healthy"? Are there any foods that you think are fun and healthy?

Factoids:

**If you are hungry a lot, this is natural- during adolescence, a person's body, AND you're brain, demand more nutrients to grow and develop in a healthy way. Snacks are a great way to get more vitamins and nutrients in between meals. 

**Snacking can help hold you over in between meals, and if you're hungry in between breakfast and lunch, pack snacks like fruit, trail mix, or cheese and crackers to keep you satisfied. 

**Nuts have 'healthy fats' which help with brain function and concentration. They have a perfect combination of fat and protein so that you can feel full, satisfied, and stay focused while working on that math homework right after school. A good snack would be peanut butter on rice cakes, or a handful of almonds. 

**Snacking throughout the day keeps your blood sugar levels balanced and even, so you don't feel tired. If you can't focus throughout the day, you might need more health snacks in between meals. Pack snacks like fruit, milk (regular or soy), and nuts to keep yourself from feeling hungry or tired between bigger meals like breakfast, lunch and dinner. 

**Breakfast is an important meal to remember! Count the hours from when you fall asleep to when you first eat the next day. There are probably over 8 hours that you don't eat! This semi-starvation mode on a person's body, especially a growing boy or girl, can be harmful to physical, intellectual and behavioral development. 

**Kids rely on breakfast and regular food intake because their growing bodies and developing brains need the nutrients and vitamins.

**Studies report that those who start the day with breakfast think better, have a better mood, maintain a healthier weight, and have more energy to burn!

How Mentors Can Help:

**Make a list with your mentee of the type of snack foods they usually eat, and help them differentiate the bad snack foods from foods that have more nutritional value.

**Ask them about their meals at home, whether or not they have family dinners, or breakfast. What kind of food does their family keep at home? How can they incorporate healthy snacking with what is available to them at home? 

**Offer suggestions for breakfast like oatmeal, juice, and water. Also suggest easy ways for them to pack a lunch, or at least a few snacks. 

**Make it a game: Have them focus on healthy snacking and eating for a week and have them journal their progress. Go over how they feel; if they feel more energized and focused etc, and where there are challenges in maintaining this type of eating, such as accessibility to certain foods and family habits. Make sure to not criticize the family and their eating habits, but gently suggest different choices and their benefits.

**Compare and contrast the difference of sugar and nutrients in certain foods. How much sugar is really in a coca cola can? What kind of energy can one get from sugar? What kind of energy can one get from apples? (sugar stacks link)

**If your mentee is interested you can have the school nurse talk to you both about nutrition. Education is the first step towards making healthy choices!

Additional Resources: 

*Smart Snacking for Kids and Teens

*The 20 Best Snacks for Kids

*Snacking Ideas for Kids

*Sugar Stacks in Soda

*Article on soda

*10 Best snacks for Kids

What Do You Think?: Dental Hygiene

Scenario:

Lucas loves to eat candy, especially anything with caramel. He likes to eat a Twix or Milky Way from the school vending machine almost every day. He has noticed recently that his teeth have been hurting more and more when he bites into food, but he doesn’t know why and keeps forgetting to talk to his mom about it because she is always busy. One day, he and his friends go to Rusty’s to eat pizza. He bites into his first slice and yelps in pain and grabs his jaw. His friend says to him, “You should go to the dentist. When was the last time you went?” Lucas can’t remember when the last time he went to the dentist was. He tells his friend, “I think it was like over 6 years ago when I was 7. I don’t know why my teeth hurt so much. I brush my teeth like every few days.”

Questions for Discussion:

1. Why do you think Lucas’s teeth hurt?

2. What can he do to take better care of his teeth?

3. How do you take care of your teeth? How often do you think you should brush, floss, and/or use mouth wash to have a healthy mouth? And how often do you actually do it?

4. How did you learn to take care of your teeth and mouth? Who taught you?

5. Why is brushing your teeth important? What might happen if you don’t?

6. Who can Lucas see to get more information about dental health? Who would you go to?

Factoids:

**The toothbrush was invented more than 500 years ago by the Chinese. Dentists recommend you change your toothbrush every 3 months. Visit your dentist for a checkup and you’ll usually get a free one.

**People who drink 3 or more sugary sodas daily have 62% more dental decay, fillings and tooth loss.

**What is a cavity? Cavity develops when a tooth decays, or breaks down. A cavity is a hole that can grow bigger and deeper over time. Cavities are also called dental caries, and if you have a cavity, it's important to get it repaired.

**To prevent cavities, you need to remove plaque, the transparent layer of bacteria that coats the teeth. The best way to do this is by brushing your teeth twice a day and flossing at least once a day. Brushing also stimulates the gums, which helps to keep them healthy and prevent gum disease.

**Tips on Proper Brushing

• Hold your brush at a 45-degree angle against your gum line. Gently brush from where the tooth and gum meet to the chewing surface in short (about half-a-tooth-wide) strokes. Brushing too hard can cause receding gums, tooth sensitivity, and, over time, loose teeth.

• Use the same method to brush all outside and inside surfaces of your teeth.

• To clean the chewing surfaces of your teeth, use short sweeping strokes, tipping the bristles into the pits and crevices.

• To clean the inside surfaces of your top and bottom front teeth and gums, hold the brush almost vertical. With back and forth motions, bring the front part of the brush over the teeth and gums.

• Using a forward-sweeping motion, gently brush your tongue and the roof of your mouth to remove the decay-causing bacteria that exist in these places.

• Use an egg timer or play a favorite song while brushing your teeth to get used to brushing for a full 2 to 3 minutes. Some electronic toothbrushes have timers that let you know when 2 minutes are up.

**78% of Americans have had at least 1 cavity by age 17

**Tooth decay is the single most common chronic childhood disease.

**More than 51 million hours of school are lost each year by children due to dental related illness.

**Early tooth loss caused by dental decay can results in failure to thrive, impaired speech development, absence and inability to concentrate in school, and reduced self-esteem.

**The main reason for going to the dentist regularly — every 6 months — is prevention.

The goal is to prevent tooth decay, gum disease, and other disorders that put the health of your teeth and mouth at risk.

**Considering more than 200,000 injuries to the mouth and jaw occur each year, dentists support the use of mouthguards in a variety of sports activities. Mouthguards are effective in moving soft tissue in the oral cavity away from the teeth, preventing laceration and bruising of the lips and cheeks, especially for children who wear braces.

How Mentors Can Help:

**Encourage you mentee to eat regular nutritious meals and avoid frequent between-meal snacking.

**Have them drink fluoridated water.

**Practice brushing your teeth. Teach your mentee the motions of brushing their own teeth.

**Clean to the beat. Brushing, flossing, and rinsing are all rhythmic activities. Playing music will help your mentee enjoy oral care routines.  On average, brushing should last two minutes and rinsing 60 seconds. Together these activities last the length of a typical song.

**Go to http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/oralhygienecharts.htm and print a free Teeth Care Chart. It’s a fun way to keep track of number of times your mentee brushes their teeth.

**Praise your mentee for their awesome brushing.

Additional Resources:

* Oral Health Education Data Base 

* Kids Health: Taking Care of Your Teeth 

* Sesame Street: Healthy Teeth, Healthy Me 

* Teaching Kids, Healthy Smiles 

* Santa Barbara Neighborhood Clinics  

What Do You Think?: Energy Drinks

Scenario:

Matt is in 5th grade and loves to drink energy drinks, especially Monster. He and his friends will buy one and pass it around during school when the teacher isn’t looking, and regularly drink them at home. They also love to have one before soccer practice because it provides extra energy and they think it helps hydrate them. In school they are learning about healthy nutrition and the teacher tells them that energy drinks are bad for them and aren’t allowed at school, but Matt doesn't care and thinks those rules are stupid. How could a tasty drink possibly be so bad for him? He likes how they taste and how they make him feel, and its cool to have one at school since it’s a little bit dangerous. 

His parents don’t know the nutrition facts about the drinks so they don’t think it’s bad, and have been buying them by the case from Costco. He now drinks at least 1 Monster every day. Recently Matt has struggled to fall asleep and experienced some dizziness and confusion, but he doesn't know why. Today, after quickly drinking a Monster before class, he started to feel a pounding headache, nausea, and his heart felt like it was going to explode. His teacher called an ambulance and he was rushed to the hospital where he was treated for chronic caffeine poisoning and dehydration.

Questions for Discussion:

1. Why does Matt like to drink energy drinks?  Do you know anyone who drinks them that much?  Why do you think they like it? Could they be addictive?

2. How often do you drink energy drinks, and how do they make you feel?  Do you think they are bad for you?  How much do you know about the ingredients and their effects on a person, such as caffeine?

3. Why do you think Matt and his friends didn’t listen to their teacher when she tried to explain how the drinks are bad for them? 

4. Who do energy drinks target in their advertising? Do you think the energy drink advertising has anything to do with why Matt likes them and thinks they are okay for him?

5. What do you think about kids and young people drinking energy drinks?  Do you think they should or should not drink them?  What would you say to your younger sibling if they wanted to drink one?

6. Do you think that energy drinks should have warning labels so that people know how dangerous they can be, especially for a young person? Why or why not?

Factoids:

**Adverse effects associated with energy drink consumption include nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness, increased urination, abnormal heart rhythms, decreased bone levels, and stomach upset.

** Taurine is a common ingredient found in energy drinks. It has been linked to illnesses ranging from high blood pressure to strokes and seizures to heart disease.

**According to Drug Information Online, symptoms of caffeine overdose include vomiting, hallucinations, rapid heartbeat, convulsions and death. Toxic side effects may be felt at doses exceeding 200 mg., while death can occur at doses ranging from 3 to 20 grams.  avoid overdose, monitor your daily intake of caffeine from all sources. Read food and beverage labels, and learn to identify common caffeine-containing herbs like yerba mate, guarana and kola nut.

**Energy drinks are marketed as healthy, fun and youthful, with many brands using action sports like skating, snowboarding and Formula 1 to appeal to children and young people.   

**People tend to refer to energy drinks and sports drinks interchangeably, but they are NOT the same.  Sports drinks are designed for those who are involved in physical activity.  Energy drinks are a mental stimulant.  Energy drinks don’t tend to mix well with exercise, because of the high caffeine content which can lead to dehydration. While Gatorade, Powerade and other sports drinks can refuel the body while replenishing salts and helping the body absorb fluids, energy drinks can only give a quick boost of energy. 

**Scientists say that caffeine can have an effect on the growing brain and may cause a decline in the body’s immune system, so it is best to avoid giving children under the age of 10 products containing caffeine, especially energy drinks. The human brain continues to grow up to about age 16 (some even say up to the age of 21).

**Just over 1,100 ER visits in 2005 linked to high energy drinks has grown to more than 16,000 in 2008 and more than 13,000 in 2009.

**Some energy drinks contain high amounts of sugar, equal to around 5 teaspoons per 250 ml can, so a young person is likely to gain weight if regularly consuming these.

**2011 Fourteen-year-old Anais Fournier, died after she reportedly consumed two 24 ounce Monsters (480mg of caffeine) in a 24 hour period. Cause of death was a heart arrhythmia due to caffeine toxicity.  There seems to be some conflicting stories as to how much she really consumed and this seems true since 480mg in a 24 hour period isn’t a toxic amount.

How Mentors Can Help:

**Ensure your mentee knows the facts about energy drinks. It is important not to lecture them or ban them for drinking these.

**Teach your mentee the difference between sports drinks and energy drinks.

**Read the nutrition label in the back of the can together. Talk about the different ingredients in the energy drinks.

**Talk to you mentee about the risks of energy drinks including excessive addictive caffeine and the whopping amounts of sugar leading to obesity and diabetes.

**Alcoholic energy drinks combine stimulants with alcohol which is not a good mix.

**Encourage your mentee to drink water. Water before, during and after exercise is typically the best way to keep kids hydrated. Healthy intake of 100% fruit juice and low-fat milk during meals is also recommended.

Additional Resources

*NY Times Article on energy drinks 

*Dangers of Taurine in energy drinks 

*The "High" Risk of Energy Drinks article 

*Tips on how to talk to kids about energy drinks 

*Health Risks of Energy Drinks 

*Article on Risks of Energy Drinks

What Do You Think?: Anger Management

Scenario:

Kimberly, a 5^th grader, was known as the “leader” of her friends. No one ever challenged Kimberly because she angered easily. One day during lunch, when all the girls finished their food, they thought they’d play freeze tag. Kimberly didn’t want to play freeze tag; she wanted to play dodge ball, but her friends started to gather people for freeze tag anyways. Kimberly started yelling and told them they weren’t friends anymore. She then kicked the ball to the other side of the playground and walked away.

After school, Kimberly got on the bus to go home, ignoring her friends. At home, her mom told her to start her homework while she prepared dinner. Kimberly yelled back at her mom, “I don’t want to do any homework! It’s dumb!” Kimberly ran into the bedroom, slammed the door shut and started throwing stuff.

Questions for Discussion

1. Why do you think Kimberly got so mad at her friends? How could she have reacted differently to maybe get them to play dodge ball?

2. Have you ever felt angry at someone? Who was it? How did you handle it?

3. Was it okay for Kimberly to get mad at her mom? Why or why not?

4. What did you think of how angry Kimberly got? Were her reactions appropriate?

5. Who do you think you can help Kimberly with her anger? Who do you go to for help when you’re angry?

Factoids:

** According to BBC News almost 1/3 of 2,000 people polled had a friend or family member that struggled with anger. 

** The Mental Heath Foundation says that anger is often only dealt with after a violent crime is committed. Since this fact is alarming they highly recommend early education and intervention for anger management. 

** Chronic and intense anger has been linked to heart disease, cancer, stroke, colds and flu as well as depression, self-harm and substance misuse. High levels of stress inevitably take their toll on the immune system. 

** 12% of people polled say they have trouble controlling their anger. 1 in 4 worry about how angry they get. 64% think they get anger than anyone else in the room. 

** Myths about Anger Management: 

1. Venting helps get out the rage. It actually reinforces that pattern. 

2. Strong words are needed to get peoples attention. Calm clear speech is much more effective. How would you like to be spoken to? 

3. If I am not mad I don't care. There are many ways to show that in a much kinder and considerate way.

4. If I back down the other person is right. Debate does not need to be heated or angry and you certainly still have the right to defend your point. 

http://angermanagement.net/denial-in-anger-management-problems

** Self awareness is very important to be able to create self control, both of these are keys to be able to work on anger management issues. Learn about yourself so that you can find inner peace, everything else will become much more manageable from that point. 

** Yoga and mediation may be an extremely effective way to find an inner calm place to go when dealing with anger. 

** Diversion therapy suggests removing your anger from your body literally by perhaps hitting a pillow, kicking a punching bag, or screaming into a pillow. 

** Expression therapy is a similar activity that is popular in Japan where "stress bars" have popped up that allow you to throw objects to relieve your angst. 

** Suppression therapy is using techniques such as counting to 10 or deep breathing to remove your self from the moment when the anger is building. 

** Traditional therapy and communication are highly recommended to get to the route of the anger.  

How mentors can help:

** Allow your mentee to calmly communicate what their real life problems are. Build a safe space for them to talk with you. 

** Practice mediation techniques together. 

** Teach your mentee stress points on their body so they can give themselves mini-massages when anger starts to build to cut off the stress. 

** Use humor. Teasing or kidding can often defuse an angry situation and allow a child to "save face." Don't use humor to ridicule your child; use it to make fun of the situation. 

** Provide physical outlets and exercise. Play a sport, work out at the gym, cut wood, clean, etc. Kids need physical activity to let off steam. 

** Praise positive behavior. Children strive for attention in whatever form it comes-even negative attention. So be on the lookout for those positive things your mentee does and give your attention to those.

** Teach your mentee how to step back. One of the healthiest responses to anger is to step back long enough to rethink the situation, calm down and determine what to do next. Also, teach them how to use self-talk. Try things like counting to ten, taking deep breaths, and saying to themselves, "I'm okay, just stay calm" and "I can handle this."

Local Resources: 

* SBCC Personal Counseling and Assessment Test 

* Santa Barbara County Anger Management Therapists

* Anger Management Counseling Services 

* The Aware Parenting Institute  

Online Resources:

* 12 Steps to Calm Down and Get a Grip Anger Management Tips for Teens

* Anger Management for Teens

  

* How to Help Your Kid Deal with Anger

* Anger Management: Control, Redirect, and Change

March Mentor of the Month

Angela Huffman

Angela and her mentee have enjoyed an amazing year together. The mentee was referred to our program because she needed a positive adult role model who could help her with her self-esteem and academics. Her mentee was moving to a new house and a new school and was a bit worried about the transition. Angela was there to ease her mentee’s concerns by showing up consistently and allowing her to express herself. She became the big sister her mentee always wanted and could confide in.

Angela focused on exposing her mentee to new experiences, and cleverly used her mentee’s love of marine life and art to encourage interest and excitement about a large variety of activities and opportunities. They visited museums, went hiking, spent time whale and dolphin watching, created paintings and drawings together, role played complicated social situations, and worked on homework. Angela even helped her mentee practice public speaking by making presentations to each other on different marine animals, which showed her mentee how academics can be fun and practice can overcome the most difficult challenges. This has tremendously helped Angela’s mentee improve her confidence. Before Angela, her mentee had no interest in attending a college, but now she has been inspired to go to college and earn a degree in Marine Biology!

Even though Angela works and goes to school, she is very dedicated to the program. She attends most, if not all, of Mentor Program events in order to meet new mentors and help her mentee make new friends. Angela also attends the monthly mentor trainings to learn more ways to help out her mentee on various topics. She comes up with creative ways to help her mentee grow as a person, and is always looking for ways to improve. Thank you Angela for being so devoted and doing such an amazing job of encouraging your mentee! Congratulations! You are our Mentor of the Month for March!!!

What Do You Think?: House Parties

Scenario:

Eddie and Diego are walking home on Monday after school to play Xbox at Eddie’s house. As they enter, Eddie’s parents call him into the living room. They tell him they are going to be gone Friday night so he’s going to be home alone. Diego overhears that Eddie is going to have the house all to himself. As they play Modern Warfare, Diego tells Eddie that he should throw a small party. “We can invite Cindy and her friends. It’ll just be something small and chill; I know you think Cindy’s cute…this’ll be perfect!” says Diego. Eddie is hesitant but agrees to have something at his house while his parents are gone.

Friday night comes around and Eddie’s parents are headed out the door. They give him money for pizza and tell him only Diego is allowed to be over. It’s 9:00 pm and as Eddie changing in his room, he hears a knock. He tells Diego to let the girls in. By the time Eddie is done being ready, there’s about 20 people all over his house and more knocking at the door. This small party is turning out to be bigger than Eddie expected. He doesn’t even know half the people there.

Questions for Discussion:

1. What do you think is going to happen at the party?

2. What will Eddie’s parents think of him if they found out he had a party?

3. What would you do if your friend told you to throw a party? Would you of said yes? Why or why not?

4. What could be the best possible outcome of this party? What could be the worst? That’s the possibility of each?

Factoids

** Movies, such as “Project X” and others, glorify large teen parties with minimal consequences, making it seem “cool” and inconsequential to throw large parties with underage drinking and other illegal activities.

** Four Loko, an Alcoholic Energy Drink, has been involved in many fatalities during young people’s partying, with both high school and college kids. Four Loko contains the caffeine equivalent of three cups of coffee, with 12% alcohol and a large amount of sugar. Some states have banned these and other alcoholic energy drinks because of their popularity in underage users.

** Alcohol is involved in nearly half of all teen automobile crashes and 50-65% of youth suicides. Sexual assault, damage to cognitive, physical and social development, injury, death, and future substance addiction are all risks that teenage drinking and partying can cause.

** Police reports of sexual assaults on young females show that around 2/3 of these occur at home parties, some as a result of date rape drugs being slipped into drinks and some as a result of large amounts of binge drinking or other substance use.

** Social Host Liability laws target the location in which underage drinking takes place, focusing particularly on house parties, where a majority of underage drinking occurs. In the city of Santa Barbara, fines for Social Host Ordinance violations range from $1,000-$2,000.

** Parents are often in denial or are not aware that their teenager is partying, drinking, or using drugs.

** Parents and other adults who provide alcohol, drugs, and/or party locations (especially in their homes) often feel they have control over the situation. Not only can they be punished for their actions, but the situations of house parties often escalate out of their control because they cannot monitor everyone at once. The same often applies for underage kids who provide to their peers and/or younger kids.

How Mentors Can Help:

** Kids may not want to open up about their partying, for fear of being punished. This is a conversation to ease into. You could start by bringing up the new movie, “Project X,” or another popular representation of teen partying. Ask them what they think would happen in real life and talk about how movies do not always accurately display the reality of what could happen.

** Allow this to segway into a discussion about some of the risks of teen parties, including: alcohol or drug overdose, injury, death, sexual assault or unprotected sex, drink spiking, gatecrashing, fighting, injury, and getting arrested.

** Ask your mentee if they know about some of the laws involving who is liable (them, the party host(s), and the owners/providers of the location) and discuss some of punishments, such as fines and jail time, that the responsible parties have received. Talk about how someone getting injured at or leaving a house party could also be the responsibility of those who hosted the party.

** Talking about any underage partying you might have undertaken is not necessarily appropriate because you are a role model, and they might want to imitate your behavior. However, if there are situations where you learned your lesson and never did it again, or someone you know experienced a serious consequence (jail time, fighting, injury, fines, death, etc), you could utilize your personal experience as a teaching lesson.

** Discussing peer pressure and ways that people can enjoy their social time with friends while still staying safe is important. Encourage them not to be talked into doing anything that makes them uncomfortable. Ask them their thoughts about hosting a party or providing alcohol to others, what they think the consequences might be. You might be surprised to know that they have a plan or are well prepared for those situations. Then you might not have to do the next point.

** Without lecturing, try to encourage things such as: never getting into a car after drinking or getting into a car with someone who has been drinking, leaving for somewhere safe when they feel they are in danger at a party, caution at parties around pools or other dangerous locations, knowledge about the risks of alcohol and drug usage, and if ever in a situation where alcohol or drugs are being used, do not let anyone give you something (because it might not actually be that substance, you do not fully know the effects, and/or someone could add date rape drugs to it).

** Encourage a plan for attending house parties, such as knowing how you are getting to and from (and having a back-up plan), who is attending, and what might be taking place, not going anywhere alone with strangers, and avoiding potentially violent situations.

** It is important not to encourage illegal substance use, but it is also realistic to make sure that those who are “going to do it anyway” to be safe when they do so. Encourage awareness of consequences, and helping to keep themselves and others safe. Feel free to share some statistics with them in order to make sure some of this is understood, as well as continuing to emphasize the difference between what is seen onscreen and what actually occurs in real life.

Resources

UCSB Student Responsible Party Page
Santa Barbara Social Host Ordiance
Adolescent Substance Abuse Knowledge Base
Teens and Parties: Information for Parents and Caregivers of Teens
'Project X' (movie)-inspired party ends in teen's death
Article on underage drinking parties
Adults most common source for alcohol for teens
Partying safely: tips for teenagers

What Do You Think?: Giving Compliments

Scenario: 
Cecelia and her friends are walking down the hall talking about the upcoming school play. They are excited because this year’s play will be the “Wizard of Oz.” The bell rings and Cecelia and all her friends split up and go to their different classes. As Cecelia walks to her math class, she stops and looks at the roster for the play. She sees that the lead part of Dorothy will be played by Sally. Cecelia has never talked to Sally, even though they sit near each other in a few classes and pass each other in the halls all the time. When Cecelia gets to class she sits down next to Sally and feels like she should congratulate her on the leading part. Cecelia feels weird giving Sally a compliment since they don’t ever talk, and she normally only compliments her friends. But Cecelia taps Sally’s arm and says, “I saw you’re going to be Dorothy in the 'Wizard of Oz' play. Congratulations and break a leg. I’m sure you’ll be great.” Sally and Cecelia both smile.

Questions for Discussion:

1. How do you think this made Sally feel? Do you think it meant more to her coming from Cecelia rather than from a friend? Why or why not?
2. Do you ever compliment people you don’t know, or only friends and family? Why?
3. Can you remember the last time you got a good compliment? What was it about and how did that make you feel? How do you feel when you give a compliment?
4. Do you think compliments based on skill, like getting the lead in a play, are more meaningful that ones based on appearance, such as wearing a cute shirt? Why or why not?
5. What kind of compliments do you usually give? What kind do you usually get?

Factoids:

** Many youth hear negative feedback on a regular basis, such as how they forgot to do their homework or their chores, or even verbal abuse from peers or adults. Positive feedback can encourage them to make them feel like they are doing something correct.

** Complimenting a child or adolescent on something they worked hard to accomplish can make them feel like their hard work has paid off, thereby encouraging them to continue to work hard on tasks.

** Deeper compliments, involving accomplishments and inner beauty, often have longer lasting effects, than  superficial compliments on outer beauty or appearance.

** Positive support from people kids know and trust, feelings of belonging, and knowing they can trust people in their lives are important parts of preventing youth violence (including assault, bullying, and suicide).

** Kids who learn to accept meaningful compliments based upon their achievements and identity, in-addition to constructive feedback, will have more positive results with their overall self-esteem and abilities. Meaningless compliments and rewards for minimal efforts could lead to false outer confidence with deeper routed insecurities.

** Over-praise could lose its genuineness, as well as teaching a kid that things every day tasks will only be done for a reward. Rewarding/complimenting a positive effort, such as a kid deciding to befriend the new kid at school without anyone telling them they have to, will provide positive reinforcement and can motivate more positive behavior. If a kid does not elicit a lot of effort and is constantly praised, it can reinforce the idea that they do not have to try as hard to be rewarded.

** Too much or too little praise can teach a kid to be more reliant on the beliefs of others, as opposed to how they think and feel. It is important for kids to have internal motivation, as opposed to just praise-driven external motivation. It may be better in the long run to teach kids to say, “I did it!” as opposed to “Look at me!”

** Consistency in praise and feedback is important in keeping expectations of kids balanced- not too high or not too low.

** The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience. A "Good job!" to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children’s dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can’t quite explain why.

** Specific praise like, "I really like how you held the door open for me," or "Great job taking your time and sounding out those hard words; I know it wasn't easy," is often much more meaningful to kids (and adults) than saying “Nice work,” or “Good job,” because it provides actual feedback on something they did and shows that someone is paying attention, therefore validating their efforts.

** Compliments and praise (from others and the self) can have a positive impact when they come from a place of unconditional love with reasonable expectations.

How Mentors Can Help With This:

** Leave post-it compliments like the ones in the image on their binder, on their homework, on their cell, especially after completing something they put a lot of effort into. It will be a simple reminder of why they are worthy.

** When talking with your mentee about compliments, help them make sure to avoid complimenting peers on appearance. For example, let's say you mentor a 6th grade boy. When he makes that transition into junior high, he's likely to notice his female peers and their physical changes. Encourage him to not make note of the girls' appearances, how they dress, make-up they wear, etc. Explain why it can be detrimental to only notice the "outer beauty".

** Talk to your mentee about times when each of you has received compliments and how that made you each feel. Talk about a compliment that meant a lot to each of you, a compliment that did not mean anything to each of you, and a compliment that actually made each of you feel worse… and why each of you felt that way.

** Discuss compliment giving and how it feels to tell someone else something that might make them feel better. Talk about times when they have put others or themselves down (sharing your own examples when appropriate) and how they think it made the other person feel, as well as how it made them feel. Talk about the motivation behind positive and negative compliments. Encourage people to tell someone when they have done a good job, look really nice, have been a good friend, etcetera.

** Talk about who a compliment comes from and how that may or may not shape the meaning of the compliment. Ask your mentee, of all the people who can or do give them compliments, who it means the most from (parents, friends, teachers, etcetera) and why.

** Consider what the compliment is about. Discuss compliments about achievements, reaching a goal, appearance, and possessions. Let this lead into talking about what kind of compliments are the most meaningful and why.

** Talk about whether or not it is hard to accept compliments and how compliments make us feel. Encourage the use of “thank you” when receiving compliments.

** Ask your mentee if they think there is such a thing as negative compliments. Go over the following and come up with examples of each, as well as brainstorming ways to avoid using these on other people and how to respond when these are received.

• False Praises: compliments or rewards for something you did not do (One example of this might be getting an “A” for a paper that you copied.)
• Sarcasm: worded like compliments but meant to imply the opposite (One example of this might be if someone says “Nice shirt,” when they are intending to make fun of the shirt.)
• Empty compliments: people saying things they do not mean to be please someone, which could be a friend or authority figure, which usually do not have meaning
• Back-handed compliments: a compliment and insult in one (ie: “You’re pretty good at this job, for a girl.” Or “You’re very smart… for a boy.”

** On a regular basis, it is important to encourage your mentee. Ask them about things more and praise hard work, kindness, and positive attitudes. Encourage them to have internal motivation and positive self-images. Role modeling these things for them is important as well.

Additional Resources:

Kids host a Compliment Day

5 reasons to stop saying, "Good Job"

Do We Compliment Too Much?

8 Best Ways to Treat Your Teens

Complimenting ADHD kids

How to Take Compliments

Building a Teen's Self-Esteem

Other Tips for Complimenting Kids